Category Archives: SPORTS PSYCHOLOGY

Helpful articles about sports psychology and dealing with issues and problems athletes can experience. Provided by Sports Therapist John Boesky

What Compels an Athlete to use PED’s…

This photo was taken from twitter.com

This photo was taken from twitter.com

As a Marriage and Family Therapist, Master NLP Practitioner, Certified Hyponotherapist, Dharma Life Coach, and Sports Psychology Consultant, I’ve had the privelege of working with countless elite athletes over the years.  Most of the athletes that I’ve worked with have relied on their natural born talents, work ethic, grit, perserverance, courage, self-belief, and mental and emotional toughness to compete at the highest levels of their chosen sport.  Some other athletes that I’ve worked with, however, have confided in me that they use Performance Enhancing Drugs to secure an edge over their oppostion.  They’ve told me that they use Performance Enhancing Drugs to make them stronger, quicker, and more self-confident.  Moreover, they’ve told me that PED’s drmatically speed up their revovery time after grueling workouts, games, matches, etc.

When an athlete tells me that they use PED’s to enhance their sports performance, I refrain from sitting in judgment of them.  After all, how an athlete chooses to go about the business of performing in their chosen sport is his or her preogative.  I choose to focus my attention instead on how to help them consitently get into an ideal performance state when they’re competing, how to srenghten their self-confidence and self-belief, how to partner with the part of them that feels self-doubt and/or fear, etc.  Never the less, I’ve learned through my studies and through working with these particular athletes about the thought processes they use and the Social Psychology principles that they succumb to that compel them to use Performance Enhancing Drugs in the first place.

I’ve innumerated below the different kinds of thought processes that athletes go through to justify their use of PED’s:

1) Minimization:  “It doesn’t help me that much; it just helps me recover faster so I can get back to training hard and using my God Given talents.”

2). Outcome-oriented Thinking:  “The ends justify the means.  I’d rather be an elite professional athlete with a hundred million dollars in my bank account at the end of my career than a mid-tier professional athlete who makes comparably modest amounts of money.”  Another example of outcome thinking used by athletes is  “winning isn’t the only thing, it’s everything.” With this in mind, an athlete will do whatever he’s got to do to win at all costs.

3). Rationalizing:  “Everyone else is doing it, and so it’s only fair that I compete on an even playing  field.”  While it may be true that a lot of elite athletes use steroids and other performance enhancing drugs to get an unfair advantate over their peers, it still undermines the credibility of all sports when an athlete embraces the belief, “If you can’t beat them, join them.”

4) Normalizing:  “If you’re not cheating, you’re not trying.”  “Plus, performance enhancing drugs have always been and will always be a part of the culture in professional sports.”

5). Playing the hero:  “I’m doing this to put food on my family’s plate and to give my children opportunities that I never had growing up.  I may be cheating, but I’m doing so with a nobler, higher purpose in mind.”

6) Playing the Martyr: “My coaches, teammates, and fans don’t truly care about me.  My coaches want to get paid for winning, and the fans care more about being entertained than watching players play clean.  If I’m just their entertainment, than screw it; I’ll give the fans what they want and laugh my way to the bank.”

7). Prioritizing ones reputation over ones character:  Some athletes that use PESD’s are heavily invested in how others perceive them.  They want to be put on a pedestal by their fans and be seen as larger than life to feed their egoic need for attention and adulation.  In turn, they table their conscience, forsake their values, and subordinate their character and guiding principles in pursuit of a reputation and lasting legacy.

8)  Social Proof:  Social Proof is a Social Psychology principle that says that when people feel uncertain about something, or when they see others that are similar to them engaging in a certain behavior, they’re more inclined to follow along and do what they see others doing.  Even if an athlete knows that taking performance enhancing drugs may imperil their health down the line or put them in jeapordy of getting caught by PED regulating bodies, the fact that many of their peers are doing it compels them to follow their lead.

I imagine that many sports fans have wondered from time to time how come elite athletes are willing to risk experiencing the potential long-term damage to their bodies, the potential damage to their reputations and legacies, and the potential financial consequences that will befall them if they are caught using PED’s.  I sincerely hope that I’ve offered you some illuminating insights into the minds and hearts of those athletes who choose to use PED’s in spite of all that they stand to lose if they’re caught doing so.

Thank you for taking valuable time out of your day to read this blog.

Sincerely,

John Boesky, LMFT/MNLP/CHT/Dharma Life Coach & Sports Psychology Consultant

Hypnotherapy: How it Works-And No,It Won’t Make You Cluck Like A Chicken!!

HYPNOTHERAPY

Image from galleryhip.com

Image from galleryhip.com

As a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Master NLP Practitioner, Dharma Life Coach, Sports Psychology Consultant, and Certified Hypnotherapist, I want to take a moment and share with you how hypnotherapy works, and how come it is so useful in empowering my clients to make positive changes in their behavior, adopt new and empowering belief systems, develop new strategies to substantially improve the quality of their lives, assist them in aligning their actions with their core values and guiding principles, etc.  However, before I share with you the benefits that come from hypnotherapy, I want to shed light for you on what hypnosis is and what hypnosis is not.

First and foremost, I want to assure you that hypnosis is not a state of being asleep or unconscious; this notion is patently false.  In addition, seeking out hypnosis or hypnotherapy doesn’t mean that you’re gullible, weak-minded, at the mercy of being controlled by someone else, vulnerable to revealing secrets about yourself or someone else, or that you’ll experience a loss of self-control of some kind.   On the contrary of what some people mistakenly believe about hypnosis, the process of hypnotherapy merely helps you experience a state of relaxation and effortless concentration in which you are awake, in rapport with your unconscious mind, in total control, and have greater access to your active imagination and independent will, wisdom,  and treasure trove of internal resources.  As you are experiencing hypnosis, you are always capable of making decisions at all times.   You are aware of everything while being hypnotised , and you can choose to welcome positive suggestions into your unconscious mind or reject them out of hand if you feel that they won’t serve you.  The bottom line is that you are the engine, and I am merely the steering wheel.   Let me demonstrate to you what hypnosis really feels like:  Kindly close your eyes and pause for 5 seconds. That’s it, it feels just like that!!

The truth is, everything is hypnosis.  Waking forms of hypnosis include television, radio advertisements, self-talk, reading, daydreaming, listening to your I-Pod, mental and emotional rehearsal, visualization, and meditation.  All of these activities put us in altered states and open us up to good and bad suggestions about ourselves, our lives, and the world we live in.  Thought-provoking questions, too, can help us change states and drop down into our unconscious minds and arrive at deeper truths about ourselves, our purpose, our mission, and our destiny.  Hypnotherapists would say these questions and the subsequent search for answers that lie beneath your conscious mind in the pool of your unconscious mind a “Transderivational Search.” TDS is a compelling, automatic and unconscious state of internal focus and processing.

Even seemingly mundane things make hypnotic deposits into our unconscious mind like what your potential new boyfriend or girlfriend’s clothing attire is like, the type of car that he or she drives, the kind of furniture he or she has in her home, the metaphorical paintings hung up on his or her wall, or the spiritual or religious symbols placed on his or her or desk provide you indirect, unconscious suggestions about his or her successes, financial situation, and core values and belief systems.

Hypnosis is a collaboration between therapist and client, and it is designed to amplify your abilities, increase your personal control, offer your solutions and opportunities for self-healing, harness your resources to create what you truly want, change old memories so that the ones that you’ve replaced them with support and empower you, change your state, help you to feel how you want to feel, increase your self-esteem,  de-couple or unlink old, Neuro- associations, adopt more adaptive behaviors, acquire self-empowering belief systems, decide on your highest values and guiding principles, help you to respond to situations instead of react to them, provide you new strategies to manage your life on your terms, embrace healthier habits, activate the Law of Attraction, and consistently achieve specific and desired outcomes.

In order for Hypnosis to work most effectively, it’s important that you and I help you enter into an altered state of consciousness in which you feel relaxed so that there is a quieting of your conscious mind and a softening of your psychic defenses so that you are responsive to my positive suggestions. As a Certified hypnotherapist, it is my job to easily and effortlessly help you to enter into an Apha or Theta electromagnetic brain-wave state ( altered states) to help you achieve your desired outcomes. These are two of the 4 different frequencies of electromagnetic brainwaves that provide us our state of ‘consciousness.’

Before I share with you how I do this, I want to briefly share with you a little bit about these two brainwave states.  The Alpha state is a relaxed state.  You are able to access creativity, rest, reflection,  and visualization.  Theta state is a deeper state of relaxation that enhances mental processes; this is a common state of meditation, daydreaming, being creative, accessing memories, learning, and adopting more adaptive, empowering beliefs about yourself, relationships, and the world at large.  You experience theta as you fall asleep and wake up every day.  In light of our relaxed, open, and receptive state of consciousness when we’re in Alpha and Theta states, they are the optimal states for clients seeking to benefit from hypnosis. In these relaxed states, we have far more access to the treasure trove of resources and pearls of wisdom that are already housed inside of our unconscious minds.

To support you in getting into an Alpha or Theta state, I use a variety of techniques, including using a hypnotic induction script that you can simply Google and find, use hypnotic language and phrasing, state-deepening techniques, engage  your imagination, use powerful imagery, use metaphors, use symbols, engage your senses, tell you stories,  allow for silences and deliberate pauses to elapse as I speak, ask you thought-provoking questions, rely on quotes from famous people, and use my voice as an instrument that has a deep, low, rhythmic, and repetitious tone and timbre.  The reality is that what I say is not nearly as important as how I say it!!

So far, I’ve shared with you what hypnosis is and what it isn’t.  I’ve also shared with you that it’s a collaborative endeavor between you, my client, and me, your therapist, and it is designed (among other things) to put you in a state of relaxation so that you are able to amplify your abilities, adopt new belief systems, and help you to access resources that are already inside of you realize more of your fullest potential and be the creative force in your own life.  Now, I’d like to share with you how I facilitate a collaborative hypnotherapy session that will yield the results that you’re looking for.

Although there are many ways to facilitate a hypnotherapy session, my favorite is co-creating a script with my client whereupon I ask him or her specific questions to help them attain their desired outcomes.  For example, I’ll ask him or her some of the following questions:  1)What is your desired outcome?  2)  How would you like to behave, act, and respond to whatever old challenges you’re facing starting today and going forward?  3) How would you like to feel?  4)  What sensations would you like to feel in your body?  5) What images or metaphors come up that accurately reflect the challenge that you’re facing?  6) What image or metaphor reflects how you’re overcoming your current challenge successfully?  7)  What would you like to believe about yourself as you’re overcoming this challenge and adopting new behaviors, letting go of old memories, vanquishing parts of you that may be sabotaging you, etc? 8)  How come overcoming this challenge is valuable and important to you?  9)  What are the rewards that you’ll gain by overcoming this challenge?  10)  How would you like your body language to be today and going forward?  11)  What resources must you remember to access that’s already inside of you to overcome this challenge?  12)  How will you know when you have accomplished your goal?  13)  How will your life improve when you’ have attained your stated goal?  After writing down my client’s answers to these questions, I now have a script that I can use to reflect back to my client precisely what they have shared with me and want to hear reflected back to them in order to plant the seeds for transformation in their unconscious minds.

Although there are many ways to do hypnosis, I prefer co-creating a hypnotherapy script with my clients.  Therefore, After my client and I have co-created a Hypnosis script together, I begin the process of helping them enter into a state of deep relaxation so that they are vastly more receptive to the positive suggestions that I will deposit into their unconscious minds now that their psychic defenses are down.  As my client is feeling more and more relaxed, I use my voice, hypnotic language, questions, embedded commands, metaphors, symbols, stories, imagery, and other techniques to deeply ingrain in them the new behaviors, attitudes, beliefs, and feelings that they want to incorporate in their day-to-day lives.  I only use words that are positive because negative words are rejected by the unconscious mind.  I also am mindful to make my positive suggestions as detailed and specific as possible from my client’s perspective and/or map of the world.  Sometimes, however, I’m purposefully vague so that my clients can pool from their unconscious minds additional behaviors, empowering belief systems, guiding principles, and other resources that they didn’t have access to as we were co-creating our hypnosis script together.

As I facilitate hypnosis with my clients,  I’m also sure to make positive suggestions that are realistic, achievable, and believe-able to them.  In addition, I choose to be repetitive with my positive suggestions because this ingrains in them new conditioned behaviors and responses.  As Tony Robbins often says, “Repetition is the Mother of all skill.”  In addition, repetition aligns with the principles behind the Law of Concentrated Attention.  This law states that when our concentration and attention is subjected to repetition, we are far more likely to act on it.  Television commercials, for example, apply the principles behind the Law of Concentrated attention to compel you to go out and buy what they’re marketing to you. When the same commercial comes on 5 times throughout a one hour television show, we are far more likely to feel compelled to buy whatever the commercial is marketing to us  the next time that we see it in a grocery store, on-line, etc.

In addition to using repetition and ensuring that my client’s goals are realistic and achievable, I am careful to speak in the present tense to them as I facilitate their hypnotherapy.  Instead of saying to them, “You will be,”, I will say to them instead, ” You already are.”   Mind you, this present-tense approach is not a form of self-deception; it is a form of self-direction.  I am also mindful to pair positive emotions with the positive suggestions that they are longing to hear.  For example, instead of saying, ” You are finding your voice with your boss,”, I will say, ” You are courageously and delightfully finding your voice with your boss.”  Furthermore, I address my client’s relationship with themselves, their relationships with the people in their lives, and their relationship with the world at large.  In other words, I focus on my client’s values, behaviors, responses, emotions, belief systems, etc.  It serves no purpose to say, ” Your husband treats you with respect” or ” The audience is loving you,” because how others behave is outside of my client’s control.

In conclusion, the reason that Hypnosis is such a powerful therapeutic tool is because the unconscious mind responds to experiential communication,is capable of symbolic interpretation, and responds to metaphors, symbols, stories, etc. In addition, hypnosis offers therapists and clients alike a way to access the treasure trove or resources and library of wisdom that is housed there.  In turn, hypnotherapy facilitates personal empowerment, allows clients to access illuminating insights, sharpens their intuition, and helps them to integrate and/or incorporate new paradigms, states, values, belief systems, behaviors, and much, much more so that they experience positive shifts and changes in their lives sooner than later.

Although Hypnotherapy isn’t a silver bullet that puts to rest whatever challenges you’re facing, it’s a powerful therapeutic technique never the less that is specifically designed to contribute to your personal growth and assist you in realizing your greatest potential.  As a Certified Hypnotherapist, I’ve been delighted to find that it’s a safe, collaborative endeavor, and it’s one that I highly encourage you to use to support yourself in achieving your goals and desired outcomes!!  As a matter of fact, I personally create Hypnotherapy scripts for myself, and I am happy to tell you that I’ve found them to be invaluable as I continue to grow and evolve.

I sincerely hope that you found my blog on how Hypnotherapy works informative and enlightening.

Warm regards to all of you~

John Boesky, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist ( MFT)/ Certified Hypnotherapist

( Master NLP Practitioner, Certified Dharma Life Coach & Sports Psychology Consultant )

 

 

 

ufc fighter myes jury with sports psychologist john boesky

Myles Jury Prepares for UFC Fight with Sports Pyschology Consultant John Boesky

Image taken from fightnetwork.com

Image taken from fightnetwork.com

As a Sports Performance Coach, Master NLP Practitioner, and Certified Dharma Life Coach, I’ve had the privilege of working on a weekly basis with UFC Mixed Martial Artist, Myles Jury, for several years now.

I first met Myles when I was invited down to the Alliance MMA gym by the brilliant head coach there, Eric Del Fierro, three or four years ago to talk to about 25 of his top fighters about how Sports Psychology can give elite athletes in any sport the mental and emotional edge that separates the best and most accomplished athletes from the rest.

As I was sharing my thoughts in front of a white board before 3 rows deep of skeptical, hulking mixed martial artists, I distinctly recall a young guy in the back row who was totally engaged in what I had to say and kept asking me question after question. As the other fighters listened and occasionally chimed in as well with their own questions, this young guy really stood out to me; his interest in what I was sharing was unmatched by anyone else in the room.

A few weeks later I received a telephone call from an MMA fighter who trained at Alliance, and he asked me if we could meet in person in my office for a sports psychology session. I’ve been privileged to work with a lot of the elite fighters from Alliance MMA, and I was more than happy to work with this anonymous guy I was briefly talking to on the phone.

Within a week, this anonymous fighter and I were scheduled to meet on a certain day at a specific time, and when that day and time rolled around, in came that young, inquisitive fighter who was asking me all those questions from the back row the day that I stood in front of the white board at Alliance MMA a month or so prior.

It turns out that that young man was none other than Myles Jury, who is currently a UFC fighter ranked among the top 10 featherweights in the world. The day that I had my first session with Myles, I think he had had only one fight in the UFC, and he was hardly considered a future contender for the UFC belt.

As I said before, I’ve been working diligently with Myles for a long time now. He’s been climbing up the ranks in his weight class ever since, and he’ll be facing Donald Cerrone this weekend to determine who will fight for the belt against the UFC’s current champion in the near future.

Prior to the bigger UFC pay per view events, the UFC and other MMA websites create videos that are designed to introduce you to the fighters and hype the fights up so fans will be enticed to pay the requisite $59.00 to watch the fighters compete.

Unbeknownst to me, Myles wanted me to be in the video leading up to UFC 182. I remember showing up to work about a month ago preparing to have a session with Myles at my office, and I was greeted by a camera crew consisting of 5 guys wanting to film how Myles and I interacted and what typically goes on in our sports Psychology session.

I’m a pretty easy going guy and pretty comfortable in front of cameras, so I decided to roll with their requests of me. One request from them was that I engage Myles in a sports psychology-related exercise to give a small window into how sports psychology works.

In that moment, I decided to engage Myles in a process called Voice Dialogue Technique. The basic premise behind Voice Dialogue technique is that we all have many parts to our personality; call them sub personalities if you will. Each part of us ( even the ones we don’t necessarily like) have loving, nurturing, and/ or protective positive intentions for us.

When we reject, bury, or disown these parts of us, they get louder, take over, and throw a coup; they run the show, and our higher selves watch helplessly as they do so.

Instead, it’s far wiser that the wisest, most decisive, and most discerning part of us run the show instead. This part of us is not so much a part of us as it is our essence. People assign this energy inside of us all kinds of names: the Watcher; The King or Queen: The CEO; The Higher Self; The Soul, etc.

In my teaching piece with Myles in the video, I was reminding him to turn to the CEO or King in him to show up before, during, and after his fight in ways that align with his core values and serve his highest good. I also encouraged him to partner with the other parts of him rather than reject or disown them.

For example, I encouraged him that if he noticed that a fearful part of him was emerging as his fight approached, it would serve him well for the King or CEO in him to thank the fearful part of him for showing up in an effort to protect him from physical harm, the fear of being negatively judged by others, etc . After acknowledging and honoring the fearful part’s positive intentions, I encouraged the King in him to turn to the Warrior part of him and let him take over and embody him before and during the fight; after all, the Warrior in him wants to serve him by rising to the occasion, performing well, and giving him the best possible chance to win this fight. In turn, the Warrior in him will give him the best chance to attract sponsors, make money, secure his future, and give him the financial freedom to live a more enriched life.

Our minds are symbolic by nature, and so they respond to imagery, metaphors, and symbols. Knowing this, I handed Myles a red and gold sword in the video to represent the Warrior in him. I wanted to remind him that it would be wise if his King or CEO summoned the courage and unbreakable spirit of his Warrior that’s waiting for his turn to serve Myles’ best interests this week.

Unfortunately the exercise that I did with Myles was edited, and so it’s likely that a lot of people may not have understood the intention behind the sword or how the Voice Dialogue Technique works.

Never the less, I thought it was important on that particular day to remind Myles of the Warrior’s heart beating rhythmically inside of him. I also wanted to remind him to partner with any well-intentioned fear that might come up for him during fight week.

Alas, even though I was given no forewarning to shoot this very small video segment with Myles as his fight with Donald Cerrone quickly approaches I think it was a success never the less, and as always, I sincerely enjoyed seeing and working with Myles “Fury” Jury!!

Whether or not Myles wins his fight this weekend is out of my control. I do know, however, that I am in his corner, win, lose, or draw, and that I always will be.

Thank you for very much for taking your time to read my blog entry; I hope that you enjoyed it!!

Warmly,
John Boesky, LMFT/MNLP/CHT/Certified Dharma Life Coach, and Sports Performance Coach

DONALD STERLING: A WALKING MIRROR THAT REFLECTS THE PREJUDICES IN ALL OF US

image taken from designtrend.com

image taken from designtrend.com

Several months ago Donald Sterling, a Jewish billionaire and owner of the NBA franchise, the Los Angeles Clippers, was caught on audio tape saying various racist and bigoted things about African Americans and other races and ethnic groups.  It’s particularly ironic that he would speak so condescendingly and belittling about African Americans because the majority of his team is comprised of African Americans, and he was in the throes of an extramarital affair with a much younger woman that appears to be African American or, at the very least, bi-racial.  Never the less, this old man with a “Plantation paradigm” appears to believe that blacks are his inferior to him, and it’s apparent that his dying paradigm hasn’t modernized much at all even though beliefs and perceptions on the subject of race have changed dramatically since the Civil War.

Although Donald Sterling’s comments were indeed repugnant, I believe that in many ways they reflect the beliefs and perceptions of countless other people throughout America and the world who merely choose to repress their own racist feelings because they fear  the consequences that will surely come if they truly speak their minds.  These consequences usually include being fired from one’s job, being shunned by more progressive friends, and being silenced by the politically correct who are everywhere among us.  As a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Master NLP Practitioner, Certified Hypnotherapist, and Sports Psychology Consultant, I can attest to this fact because I have personally worked with clients that have suffered irreparable damage to their reputations and careers as a result of saying the wrong, or politically incorrect, thing at the wrong time.

Sadly for Donald Sterling, his comments were so outdated and so incendiary that he morphed into a walking caricature or cartoon figure of the racists and bigots that walk more inconspicuously among us right before out very eyes.  If there was a tall, bloated balloon at the annual Macy’s Thanksgiving parade that represented what a racist looks like, it would don the face of Donald Sterling himself.  Although it’s easy to castigate Donald Sterling, I prefer to see his bigoted remarks as a gift to all of us; his words are a reminder to all of us that are humble, courageous, and self-aware enough to admit it that we also have our own prejudices against all kinds of races, ethnic groups, sexual orientations, religious groups, the rich, the poor, Republicans, Democrats, the homeless, lawyers, professional athletes, reality TV stars, rappers, country singers, misogynists, short men, handicapped people, overweight people, powerful women, beautiful women, homemakers, drug addicts, people who are on anti-depressant medication, the mentally ill, illegal immigrants, those who live in America and don’t speak English yet, those without college degrees, laborers, rape victims, etc.  We all have our own shadows that we try to repress, deny, and/or disown, and these shadows darken the light that reflects our soul’s loving and compassionate nature; we all have our own conscious or unconscious prejudices, but we have been conditioned to wear a social mask and lie to ourselves and others that our thoughts are as pure as the white driven snow. When we deny or disown our shadows, though, we actually give them more life.  As a Marriage and Family Therapist, I often share with my clients that “what we resist persists.”

I will confess to you that I have my own prejudices, and I work daily to own them so that I can eventually transcend them.  One prejudice I have is against those who lie to themselves and others and claim that they actually have no prejudices!!  I’ve grown so weary of radio and T.V. personalities who say something that is clearly racist or bigoted and then adamantly deny having ever had a racist, homophobic, or other impure thought by saying things like, ”some of my best friends are black” or “I gave money to an AIDS charity that supports gays and lesbians” or “I grew up around bigotry and always vowed that I would never allow myself to think those kinds of thoughts.”  The sad truth is that all of their attempts to rationalize away what they have said are merely hollow and disingenuous attempts  to deny to themselves and to the public that their minds, like the rest of us, are actually impure and vulnerable to falling prey to having prejudices, biases, etc.   These very people  “protest too much” and they are therefore either hypocrites, in grave denial, or actively trying to pull the wool over their  eyes and our eyes too.  There are countless examples of such hypocrites in our midst that immediately come to mind.  Take, for example,  Michael Jordan, Jesse Jackson, Joe Biden, Al Sharpton, Spike Lee, Marion Barry, and Dan Rather.

Michael Jordan, who is widely regarded as the greatest professional basketball player ever to play the game, grew up in North Carolina during a time when there were more KluKluxKlan members in his state than there were in all of the other Southern States combined.  He once said, ” I considered myself a racist at the time.  Basically, I was against all white people.”  Jordan later said, however, that his Mother told him that he could not live a life consumed by racial hatred.  Jordan added that he finally began to understand more about race relations after watching the miniseries, Roots.  Although Jordan has conceded that he was once a full blown racist against white people while  adding that he’s since worked on owning this shadow, I highly doubt that there is not a trace of racism left anywhere in his mind, body, heart, and soul.

Never the less, as soon as the Donald Sterling scandal broke out, it was Michael Jordan who chose to say the following:  ”I am completely disgusted that a fellow team owner could hold such sickening and offensive views…There is no room in the NBA- or anywhere else, for the kind of racism and hatred Mr. Sterling expressed.  I am appalled that this type of ignorance still exists within our country, and at the highest level of our sport…In a league where the majority of our players are African-American, we cannot and must not tolerate discrimination at any level.”  Although I wholeheartedly agree with Michael Jordan’s sentiments, I simply don’t buy the idea that he has truly transcended his own ethnic and racial prejudices so thoroughly that he’s in a position to stand on a pulpit and denounce others for the very same prejudices and hatred he has acknowledged having had at one time for white people.  If I were a betting man, I would bet my house that Michael Jordan still harbors racist feelings towards whites, Jews, and countless other racial and ethnic groups as well.  I commend him if has  made great strides towards overcoming his prejudices.  I cannot in good conscience, however, stand up, applaud him, and make pretend that I believe that his heart and mind is entirely cleansed of all racism and bigotry.

Other public figures and celebrities that have allowed their politically correct, social masks to accidentally slip off include African-American Reverend Jesse Jackson, our Caucasian Vice President Joe Biden,  famous African-American movie producer, Spike Lee, famous Caucasian news anchor, Dan Rather, and former African-American governor Marion Barry. During his 1984 presidential campaign, Jesse Jackson derisively spoke of New York City as a place teeming with “Hymies”, and he even went so far as to call New York City “Hymietown.”  For those of you who don’t know, the word “Hymie” is a racist term used to disparage Jews.  Our very own Vice President, Joe Biden, said a few years ago, “You cannot go to a 7 11 or Dunkin Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent.”  Regarding his own running mate, Barack Obama, Joe Biden said, “I mean you just got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate, bright, clean, and a nice-looking guy; I mean, that’s a storybook, man.”  As for African-American movie producer, Spike Lee, he once said, ” I give interracial couples a look.  Daggers…They get uncomfortable when they see me on the street.”

As for Dan Rather, he said of Barack Obama, “He’s a nice person.  He’s very articulate and this is what’s been used against him, but he couldn’t sell watermelons if you gave him the state troopers to flag down the traffic.”    Former governor, Marion Barry, once said, “We got to do something about these Asians coming in and opening up businesses and dirty shops.  They ought to go.”  Although each of the politicians, public figures, and celebrities that I have  just mentioned clearly have racist thoughts percolating around in the recesses of their minds, I guarantee you that none of them would cop to it.  On the contrary, they would allude to friends of theirs that are Jewish, Indian,  African-American, or in a romantic partnership with someone of the opposite race.  Or perhaps they would talk of charity work they have done on behalf of the very people they have openly degraded, or they would talk of  extended family members that are married to someone who is Jewish, Indian, African-American, etc.  Their attempts to deny their own prejudices never end because they want to maintain their squeaky clean image.  What’s paradoxical and ironic, though, is that the more someone deflects and denies his or her own prejudices, the less trustworthy they become.  As a Marriage and Family Therapist, I have been facilitating a Men’s group for over 7 years now.  I’ve noticed that the men that are most honest about their shortcomings and take ownership of their shadows are the men that the other group members trusts the most.  On the contrary, the men who deny their shadows and repress their darker thoughts are the ones that are trusted least.

Since the Donald Sterling story broke awhile back, there has only been one public figure that I have grown to respect and trust as it pertains to the topic of racism, bigotry, and prejudice.  His name is Mark Cuban, who is the billionaire owner of the NBA franchise, the Dallas Mavericks.  As everyone was clamoring to have Sterling banned from the NBA, Mark Cuban shared his thoughts on the matter in a self-reflective, honest, and forthcoming manner.  He said, ” I know that I’m prejudiced, and I know that I’m bigoted in a lot of different ways…None of us have pure thoughts; we all live in glass houses.”

Wow…

My sentiments exactly…

I want to invite all the self-righteous hypocrites out there who claim to be enlightened and pure of thought to kindly consider the possibility that perhaps the feelings of outrage that you openly express about Donald Sterling has just as much to do with you as they do with him.  I wonder if his blatant racism and bigotry awakens in you the realization that you have a little bit of him inside of you.  After all, it takes one to know one or “if you spot it, you got it.”  Marriage and Family Therapists and anyone else that works in the field of psychology call this phenomena “Projection.”  Whenever we have a strong “charge” with someone else and want to judge or condemn them, the chances are extraordinarily high that you’re seeing traits in that person that mirrors similar traits inside of yourself that you’d rather not acknowledge or take ownership of; you’d prefer to project the traits that you don’t like in yourself onto someone else.  For this very reason, I propose that Donald Sterling is a living and breathing mirror and/or gift for all of us; he gives all of us an opportunity to go inside ourselves and explore our “charge” with him so that we can take ownership of the prejudices that live inside of us and do the personal growth work it will take to make our prejudices smaller and smaller over the course of time.

Thank you for taking your time to read my blog on racism, prejudice, and the phenomena of  projection.  I hope  you found my blog thought-provoking and enlightening.

Warmly,

John Boesky, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist/NLP Practitioner/Certified Hypnotherapist/& Sports Psychology Consultant

 

 

 

Life After Sports: How To Successfully Make The Transition

The life of an elite athlete almost always requires of them to make extreme personal sacrifices in order to attain the fame, money, status, and glory that comes with reaching the pinnacle of their chosen sport.  When they arrive, though, athletes often feel as though the sacrifices were well worth it.  They’ve climbed the summit of Mt. Everest, and the view from up top is awe-inspiring.  In addition, they’ve had friends, family, and strangers alike cheering them along the way, giving them endless praise and adulation that makes them feel beloved, extraordinary, and special.  For these athletes, it’s impossible for them to imagine that their professional careers will come to a grinding halt one day, whether it is through age, injury or exhaustion.  Father time will make his presence known to all of them eventually.

Along the way, these athletes have trained extensively and rigorously for years, and their pursuit of greatness consumes the majority of their young lives.  For most of them, they’ve chosen to make financial sacrifices, moved away from their family and friends, cut romantic ties with people they’ve loved, given up on college and academic studies, etc.  They’ve come to believe that the ends will justify the means.  While this may be true for a very small group of elite athletes, the majority of athletes are simply ill-prepared for life after sports.  They simply never anticipated that the day when the buzz and adrenaline rush of competing would come to an end; they didn’t foresee that the limelight would grow dim and then dark and they would soon feel forgotten, empty, lost, and ill-equipped to thrive in a world that demands more than brawn, size, and amazing hand-eye coordination from its citizens.  They simply never imagined how the end of a sport’s career would induce dramatic changes in their personal, social, and occupational lives.  Like soldiers coming back from war, they too must transition back into society and reconstruct new lives and adjust themselves to a new life style.

Athletes that fail to prepare for life after their professional careers are over are often vulnerable to  feelings of anxiety, depression, and a despair that runs so deep that they even commit suicide.  They feel lost and rudderless, and they are also vulnerable to suffering from an identity crisis.  Take former tennis child prodigy and 3 time Grand Slam Champion Jennifer Capriati, for example.  When her career ended as a result of multiple injuries, she said, “When I stopped playing, that’s when all this came crumbling down.”  “If I don’t have tennis, who am I? What am I?  I was just alive because of this.  I’ve had to ask, well, who is Jennifer?  What if this is gone now?  I can’t live off of this the rest of my life.  I struggle with trying to like and love myself on a daily basis.”

image taken from tmottgogo.com

image taken from tmottgogo.com

Boxing legend Sugar Ray Leonard famously said, “Nothing could satisfy me outside the ring…There is nothing in life that can compare to becoming a world champion, having your hand raised in the moment of glory, with thousands, millions of people cheering you on.”  Not surprisingly, Leonard struggled in retirement, suffering from extreme bouts of depression and eventually making repeated comebacks that never amounted to much.

For some professional athletes, the pressure becomes all too encompassing, and over the years there have been a number of cases of athletes committing suicide following retirement from professional sport.  This includes the tragic story of Russian Judoka Elena Ivashchenko, who committed suicide following depression brought on by her failure to win gold at the 2012 Olympic Games.

Many people wonder out loud, “What leads retired professional athletes to spiral into depression after the rigorous training, pressure, competition, and glory days are behind them?”  Three answers come to mind.  First, professional athletes become overly identified with their role as elite athletes.  In turn, they become addicted to other’s recognition that they are physical specimens capable of achieving amazing feats in their chosen sport.  While they are in their athletic prime, they remain blissfully unaware that they have many other dimensions to their personality, much like a diamond has many facets to it.  As they become singularly focused on perfecting their role as an elite athlete, they’ve unwittingly allowed the other dimensions of their personality to atrophy.  When their playing days are done, they often feel emotionally or intellectually arrested; they don’t feel whole, well-rounded, and complete as human beings.  In turn, they often suffer from an identity issues or an identity crisis of some kind.

In addition to an athlete’s loss of identity, they often experience anxiety and depression after their professional career is over because they suffered from “Tunnel Vision Syndrome.”  They spent far too much time thinking only of training, competition, and results.  As they were competing, they were likely coddled and enabled to some degree by their handlers, so they didn’t have to acquire many of the basic life skills that their non-athlete counterparts did.  Without these skills, they aren’t prepared for the “real world” and they therefore miss out on countless career opportunities.  They’re no longer sure where to apply their focus, and they can no longer fill the void with the comfort that a rigorous training routine once gave them.

The third variable that may contribute to the anxiety and depression that professional athletes feel when their career is over may be due to biological factors.  It’s well known that exercise boosts serotonin in our brains, and serotonin is a chemical in the brain that is responsible for regulating our moods.  I imagine that when an athlete stops exercising, there may be a dramatic decrease in the serotonin levels in their brains, and they may consequently fall into a depression.  In addition to a decrease in serotonin, athletes may also experience a decrease in the amount of adrenaline and endorphins that pump through their brains after they stop exercising as often as they did before.

Fortunately, there are ways for elite athletes to reduce the chances of suffering anxiety or depression after they’ve retired from sports. Emma Vickers, who is currently taking an MSC in psychological well-being and mental health, noted that first and foremost, elite athletes must reduce their exclusive identification with their sports role and expand their self-identity to other parts of their personality as well as other pursuits.  I echo her sentiments.  Like her, I believe that elite athletes must   remember, for example that they are Mothers, Fathers, sisters, brothers, and friends as well.  In addition, they must be open to acquiring new skills and reinvent themselves as doctors, lawyers, businessmen, life coaches, etc.  When they pursue other careers with the same heart, soul, and dedication that they pursued their professional sports career, the chances are high that they will be very successful at whatever they choose to do.

As they discover interests and competencies for other activities that go beyond sports, they will realize that they are truly multifaceted and multidimensional beings.  I remember watching the famous snowboarder, Shawn White, give an interview after he failed to metal at the 2014 Olympic Games in Sochi.  When he was asked what he planned on doing next with his life, he said that he was going to tour with his band and give a go at being a professional musician!!  Shawn White recalled how depressed and aimless he felt after he won the Gold medal at the 2010 Olympic Games, so he decided soon afterwards to become proficient at playing the guitar.  Apparently he’s a talented guitarist now, and he’s taking his band on the road to start an exciting new chapter in his life.

Photo taken from Rolling Stone Magazine

Photo taken from Rolling Stone Magazine

In addition to reducing their exclusive identification with their sports role and discovering new interests and competencies for awareness that extends beyond sports, I think it’s very important for former professional athletes to acquire stress management and time management skills.  Taking yoga classes, learning the art of mindfulness, practicing meditation, or hiring a life coach or Marriage and Family therapist are all great ways to achieve these skills.

Furthermore, I encourage professional athletes to maintain and/or cultivate strong relationships with their coaches, family members, friends, and managers who are sincerely interested in helping them to make their own personal growth a priority in their lives.  Even though elite athletes can be strong-willed and pride themselves on self-reliance, I strongly encourage them to allow others that they trust to support them in taking other avenues in life, keeping an open mind, and diversifying their sense of identity and expanding their sense of who they are and what they have to offer the world.

Finally, I would strongly encourage professional athletes to seek out the support and guidance of a Sports Psychologist to explore a wide range of adaptation techniques.  A Sports Psychologist can help an athlete to let go of their need to maintain the public’s perception of what they were when they were performing in their athletic prime.  A sports Psychologist can help them accept that they no longer have to be fitter, stronger, faster, and happier than everyone else; life doesn’t need to feel like a never-ending series of competitions.  They can cast aside their warrior mask and let go of any shame or embarrassment they feel around feeling vulnerable, and they can instead learn to embrace their own humanity.  They must come to realize that they are only human after all.

 

 

What is NLP (Neuro-Lingusitic Programming)?

Image taken from expertmind.com

Image taken from expertmind.com

As a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Master Neuro-Linguistic Programmer, I want to take a moment and share with you what NLP stands for; Neuro-Linguistic Programming is a name that encompasses the three most influential components involved in producing human experience: neurology, language and programming. The neurological system regulates how our bodies function, language determines how we interface and communicate with other people and our programming determines the kinds of models of the world we create. Neuro-Linguistic Programming describes the fundamental dynamics between mind (Neuro) and language (linguistic) and how their interplay affects our body and behavior (Programming).

To define “Neuro” more clearly for you, I want to add that it includes our nervous system (the mind) through which our experiences are processed through our five senses: More specifically Visual (sight), Auditory (hearing), Kinesthetic (touch), Olfactory (smell), and Gustatory (taste).  In NLP, we believe that we encode and give meaning to our sensory experiences through our use of Sub Modalities.  Visual Sub Modalities, for example, include whether or not the images in our minds are in black and white, color, near or far, bright or dim, focused or unfocused, moving or still, framed or panoramic, associated or disassociated, etc.  Auditory Sub Modalities include whether or not what we hear is loud or soft, internal or external, fast or slow, high in pitch, low, etc.  Kinesthetic Sub Modalties include whether or not our felt sense of our experiences have a shape to it, a texture, a size, a weight, a movement, a location in our bodies, etc.  In NLP, Master NLP Practitioners like me change a client’s Sub Modalities (with his or her permission and collaboration) so that we can change the way he or she has encoded and given meaning to his experiences, if it will serve his or her highest good to do so.

For example, if a client of mine has a daunting picture or movie in his mind’s eye of an upcoming tennis match, and it appears to him in black and white, dim, and loud with the sound of tennis balls being whacked all around the court, I might encourage him to make the picture or movie colorful, bright, and accompanied by the sight of tennis balls moving in slow motion with a muted sound. If his opponent appears to him in his picture or movie as 10 feet tall, I might encourage him to freeze the frame, shrink it in size, and make his opponent appear 1 inch tall with big ears and bushy eye brows.  I might even encourage him to add a circus soundtrack to his picture or movie to help him laugh and see his tennis match as funny and therefore something to look forward to.

If the nervousness he is feeling feels like a cold, rectangular piece of sharp glass located in the pit of his stomach, I might encourage him to make the cold, rectangular shape of sharp glass in the pit of stomach warm, round, soft, and ask him to then imagine pushing that rectangular object out of his stomach to the opposite side of the room.  By changing his Sub Modalities, or the ways he is encoding and giving meaning to his tennis match, I’m changing his “internal representation”, or interpretation, of what his tennis match really means; It’s an opportunity to have fun, embrace the challenge, and do his very best.  After all, Master NLP Practitioners don’t believe that there is such a thing as failure; there is only feedback.

Changing his picture or movie of his match will change his “State” (feelings), which in turn will change his physiology and body language.  This is one of the many goals of NLP; to change a client’s  “internal representations”, or his  interpretations of events that are being influenced by his senses and 5 senses and respective Sub Modalities, so that he can change the way he sees the past, the present, and the future as well as how he sees himself, others, and the world around him.

When I use the term “Linguistic”, I am referring to the language and other nonverbal communication systems through which our neural representations are coded, ordered, and given meaning.  These neural representations include pictures, sounds, feelings, tastes, smells, and words (Self-Talk.)  These words also include the metaphors, similes, and analogies we use as well as the many symbolic ways that we express ourselves. When we change these neural representations, we are able to change our states and internal representations of the world, and we are also able to communicate with others far more effectively.  The language used in NLP is often sensory grounded to code what we’re capable of doing behaviorally.

When it comes to “Linguistics”, Master NLP practitioners like me wholeheartedly believe that only 7% of communication with others consists of the words we use; 38% of communication consists of the tone that we use; finally, 55% of our communication with others consists of our physiology, or body language.  Therefore, when we choose to mirror someone else’s words, tone, and body language, we’re able to build rapport with them almost instantly.

Another way that master NLP practitioners use language powerfully is by incorporating hypnotic language when working with clients.  When NLP originators John Grinder and Richard Bandler teamed up with the father of hypnosis, Milton Erickson, they realized that using NLP techniques and patterns in concert with Erickson’s hypnotic phrasing helped them to affect positive change in their clients even more rapidly than they did beforehand.  Erickson’s hypnotic language is merely a way of using words to bypass a client’s conscious resistance so that he or she is receptive to the very changes in their lives that they want to create!!  A typical Erickson language pattern often used is called “tag questions.”  If a client of mine wants to believe that she’s capable, but she consciously believes that she’s incapable, I might use a tag question by saying, ” You know better than anyone that you’re capable, don’t you?”

As a Master NLP Practitioner, I know that speaking to a client’s conscious mind and saying, “you’re capable” will likely go in one ear and out the other; my words will be met with resistance.  However, my use of the tag question, “Don’t you?” will bypass his or her resistance to this new truth, and his or her unconscious mind will be far more receptive to agreeing with my empowering assertion. In light of all that I’ve shared with you about “Linguistics,” I would offer to you that NLP is clearly a powerful way of using the language of the mind to consistently achieve specific and desired outcomes.

When Master NLP practitioners use the word, “programming, ” they’re referring to a person’s unconscious belief systems, their memories, emotions, neuro-associations (the feelings we associate with certain people, places, and things), value systems, “parts” to their personality, communication styles and patterns, habits, strategies, behaviors, and the countless other ways we’ve been conditioned to perceive, experience, and show up in our lives and in the world.

As a Master NLP Practitioner, I believe that NLP is so powerful because its techniques allow us to access and get in rapport with our unconscious minds. This is so significant because it is believed that only 8% of our moment to moment awareness is conscious, and 92% of our moment to moment awareness is unconscious, or presently inaccessible to us; instead, everything else that we that don’t know that we know is housed in the bejeweled warehouse of our unconscious minds.

Almost magically, NLP patterns, techniques, insights, and experiential exercises help us to reprogram our minds and come up with new programs, strategies, and behaviors  that we can  run in our neurological systems to achieve our specific and desired outcomes. When we assimilate these specific set of unconscious strategies, we create the differences that make the difference in our lives.  When our unconscious beliefs, values, and personal self-concept/sense of ourselves are in alignment with our conscious set of beliefs, values, and self-concept, we feel integrated, whole, complete, and newly empowered!!

Although you may have never heard of the following NLP techniques and patterns, some include the Time Line Technique, Parts Integration, Anchoring, Future Pacing, Visualization, Mental, Emotional and Psychological Rehearsal, the Swish Pattern, Mapping Across, The Modeling Process, The Inner Sage Pattern, The Charles Dickens Pattern, the Walt Disney Pattern, Voice Dialogue Technique, Rapport Building, working with Primary Representational Systems, Developing Sensory Acuity, The Falling Out Of Love Pattern, The Enough is Enough Pattern, The Movie Rewind Pattern, etc.  As a Master NLP Practitioner, I have found that NLP tools and skills work powerfully in the development of states of individual excellence and enhancing human performance. In addition, they establish a system of empowering beliefs and presuppositions that reveal what human beings are, what communication is, and what the process of change is all about.

NLP is therefore a multi-dimensional process that involves the development of behavioral competence and flexibility, but also involves strategic thinking and an understanding of the mental and cognitive processes behind behavior.  At another level, NLP is about self-discovery, exploring identity, and mission. It helps us access the treasure trove of wisdom and resources that are housed in our unconscious minds and brings our wisdom and resources to the surface of conscious awareness so that we can access our full human potential.   In addition, it also provides a framework for understanding and relating to the ‘spiritual’ part of human experience that reaches beyond us as individuals to our family, community and global systems. NLP is not only about competence and excellence; it is about wisdom and vision.

According to Master NLP Practitioner Robert Diltz, NLP is essentially founded on two fundamental presuppositions:

1. The Map is Not the Territory.  As human beings, we can never know reality. We can only know our perceptions of reality. We experience and respond to the world around us primarily through our sensory representational systems. It is our ‘neuro-linguistic’ maps of reality that determine how we behave and that give those behaviors meaning, not reality itself. It is generally not reality that limits us or empowers us, but rather our map of reality.

2. Life and ‘Mind’ are Systemic Processes. The processes that take place within a human being and between human beings and their environment are systemic. Our bodies, our societies, and our universe form ecology of complex systems and sub-systems all of which interact with and mutually influence each other. It is not possible to completely isolate any part of the system from the rest of the system. Such systems are based on certain ‘self-organizing’ principles and naturally seek optimal states of balance or homeostasis.

All of the models and techniques of NLP are based on the combination of these two principles. In the belief system of NLP, it is not possible for human beings to know objective reality. Wisdom, ethics, and ecology do not derive from having the one ‘right’ or ‘correct’ map of the world, because human beings are not capable of making one. Rather, the goal is to create the richest map possible that respects the systemic nature and ecology of ourselves and the world we live in.

As a Master NLP Practitioner, I believe that the people who are most effective in life are the ones who are most flexible and have a map of the world that allows them to perceive the greatest number of available choices and perspectives. They use NLP patterns and techniques to enrich the choices that they have and perceive as available in the world around them. They recognize that excellence comes from having many choices, and they believe that wisdom comes from having multiple perspectives.

Through the years, NLP has continued to develop some very powerful tools and skills for communication and change in a wide range of professional areas including: Psychotherapy, Marriage and Family Therapy, Counseling, Life Coaching, Education, Health, Business, Creativity, Law, Management, Sales, Leadership and Parenting.  NLP is now in its third decade as a field of study and has evolved considerably since its beginnings in the mid 1970s. Over the years, NLP has literally spread around the world and has touched the lives of millions of people. Since the 1990’s, a new generation of NLP has been developing.

If you’d like me to teach you leading-edge NLP techniques and patterns to help you get into rapport with your unconscious mind, accelerate your personal growth process, and unleash far more of your full potential as a man, woman, and/or athlete than you have ever imagined before, please reach out to me and let me know!! Like so many of my other clients, I trust that you will find that NLP tools and techniques will serve as a powerful catalyst in your pursuit of personal growth and transformation.

Thank you very much for taking your time to read my article/blog on NLP (Neuro-Lingusitic Programming).  I hope that you that you’ve found it informative, thought-provoking, and enlightening!!

image from purenlp.com

image from purenlp.com

Sincerely,

John Boesky, LMFT/MNLP/CHT

(Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist/ Master Neuro-Linguistic Programmer/Certified Hypnotherapist)

 

RESILIENCE: FALL DOWN 7 TIMES, GET UP 8

image taken from watoday.com.AU

image taken from watoday.com.AU

As a Marriage and Family Therapist, NLP Practitioner, and Sports Performance Consultant in private practice for many years, I’ve noticed that more often than not that  an athlete’s person’s mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual resilience determines how successful they’ll be in whatever athletic endeavor they choose to take on  in life.  Their resilience is that X factor that separates them from their peers.  It’s that athlete’s never-say-die attitude, their stubborn defiance to never give up or surrender in the face of overwhelming odds, and their unrelenting drive to stand their ground and keep fighting until the end that paves the way to achieving greatness.  Interestingly enough, resilient athletes who refuse to back down or go away during a competition sometimes lose.  Their tenacity, however, almost always pays off in the end.  They may lose the battle, but their opponents will remember their undying warrior spirit, and in turn they will eventually surpass their rivals and win the ensuing wars.

Resilient athletes eventually catch their rivals and win the proverbial war because their relentlessness eventually wears their opponents down.  Their unbreakable mindset and unshakable presence breaks their opponent’s will.  Much like zombies that rise from the dead time and time again after being shot at dozens of times, resilient athletes simply refuse to go away as well.  Each time they lose, they get right back up, and work even harder to chase down their opponent and finish them.  These athlete/zombies feel more positive and more determined than ever over time rather than discouraged.  They get up from defeat, dust themselves off, and vow to learn from their past mistakes.  By doing so, they get better and better.

Just when their rival thinks his or her opponent has been left in the dust for good, they can see their vanquished opponent in their rear view mirror yet again, and this leaves them reeling, wondering if their rival will ever go away.  Finally, when it becomes clear that their losing rival has every intention of chasing them to the ends of the Earth to catch them, they feel themselves starting to mentally crumble.  To them, it’s like being hunted down in the woods by FBI trained German Shepherds or blood hounds.  They simply can’t outrun them or out maneuver them in the long run, so eventually they fall to the ground, hands behind their back, and turn themselves in.  Although they were in the lead at one time, they eventually choose to turn around and throw in the towel.

One elite athlete that comes to mind that embodies this type of never-say-die resilience is tennis’ Rafael Nadal.  In 2011, Rafael Nadal was in the midst of losing seven consecutive meetings-along with the No. 1 ranking, to his arch rival, Novak Djokovic.  All of those heart-breaking matches came in finals, three at Grand Slam tournaments;  Wimbledon and the U.S Open in 2011, and at the Australian Open in 21012.  Clearly Djokovic had a strong mental and tactical edge back then.  If Nadal were like most athletes, he would have mentally folded whenever he played Djokovic in the months and years to come.  Nadal, however, is not like most athletes.  On the contrary, he is supremely resilient, and therefore his 6-2, 3-6, 6-4, 6-1 win in this year’s 2013 U.S. Open finals made him 6-1 against Djokovic in their last seven encounters.  It also raised Nadal’s lead in the head-to-head series to 22-15 and made him 8-3 in their match-ups at Grand Slam tournaments.

So what changed in the competitive dynamic between these elite tennis players?  According to Nadal,  a lot had to do with the four-set loss to Djokovic in New York in 2011.  After dropping the first two sets, Nadal won the the third in a tiebreaker.  He said afterward, ” A very important moment for me.  I was able to change the situation, to fight more than I had in the previous matches against him, and see a way for me to play…Run for every point.  Fight, fight for every ball.  And play aggressive.  And that’s what I did in the third set.”  In other words, Nadal harvested from him loss optimism and confidence.  Rather than wilt from yet another defeat, he decided to become even more resilient, more mentally tough, and more mentally and emotionally resourseful.

Their next match was the Australian Open final in January 2012, and Djokovic won that one too.  They played five sets that stretched over nearly six hours, making it the longest Grand Slam title match in history.  Although Nadal lost that epic match, he said afterward, ” I finished that match in Australia very happy, because another time I was able to change the dynamic.”  The next time they played, about three months later in the final at Monte Carlo, Nadal won in straight sets.  Having learned from his previous losses, this time he played closer to the baseline and looked to attack more when possible.  “After that victory, mentally, you feel more confident when you come back on the court against him, ” Nadal said.

The Nadal-Djokovic rivalry is a true testament to the power of mental and emotional resilience.  Nadal was better at the start of their careers.  Djokovic did what he needed to do to edge ahead.  Then, summoning his resilience, dogged determination, and unwillingness to be daunted by previous losses, Nadal regained the upper hand again.  Together, they have won 12 of the past 15 major titles.

There’s an old Japanese proverb that says, “Fall down 7 times, get up 8.”  As a Marriage and Family Therapist and Sports Performance Consultant, I’ve found that this is what elite athletes do.  They remain fearless, undaunted, and supremely resilient.  Ultimately, this extraordinary brand of bullish tenacity and unwavering spirit eventually causes their rivals to mentally and emotionally break.  Their resilience, mental toughness, and unwillingness to go away paves the way to their greatest successes and triumphs both in sports and in life.

If you’re an athlete who tends to fall away when the going gets tough or when you’ve lost to your rivals time and time again, I invite you to tap into the zombie spirit inside of you and stick around through thick and thin.  Become defiantly resilient, and refuse to back down or surrender, however bleak things may appear in the moment.  In the end, your fierce determination and never say die attitude will wear down your opponents and your arch rivals, and you will eventually emerge victorious in the end.

Thank you for taking the time to read this blog!!  I hope that you found it useful.

Warmly,

John Boesky,LMFT # 39666

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Sports Performance Consultant

 

 

 

WHAT IS YOUR MISSION?

Image taken from elainefogel.net

Image taken from elainefogel.net

As a Marriage and Family Therapist and Sports Psychology Consultant, I’ve been privileged to work with men, women, couples, groups, and athletes. While some of my clients come to me with specific goals that they’d like to achieve in our work together, others come to me feeling rudderless and lost, and they have no goals to speak of;  They just know that they’re deeply unhappy in their lives.  Whether or not a client of mine knows what he’d like to get out of our work together or not, I’ve often found it to be very helpful to assist them in crafting a Mission Statement for themselves.

Crafting a Mission Statement is like creating a blueprint or road map for the kind of life they’d like to manifest for themselves.  A Mission Statement’s intention is to help my clients become deeply acquainted with his or her larger sense of purpose in their lives.  It’s a written guidepost, an affirmation, and a stated quest for how they want to live their lives in a way that openly expresses the deep joy, tenderness, wildness, and strength that they have within their bodies, minds, and souls.  Mission Statements often incorporate within it a client’s greatest gifts, his passions, and his highest values. Our Missions will evolve and change over time.  It is essentially the expression of a person’s deepest purpose in being alive IN THIS MOMENT, whatever it is.

In order to live our lives in ways that are in integrity with our Mission Statements, we must do the work to lift the shadows that block our light from shining in  and allowing us to give our greatest gifts to ourselves, to each other, and to the world that we live in.  Shadows that block our light include self-doubt, fear, guilt, unworthiness, weakness, dishonesty, confusion, and mistrust.  When we embrace our light, our shadows begin to diminish and fade away. We then have an opportunity to step into our own light, live authentically, and bring our gifts of love and service to ourselves and to the world.

Our Mission will not be finished in our lifetimes.  It is a way of living, a way of being in the world in our fullness as people.  In this moment, my Mission Statement is to be a conduit of the light; to be fully present, compassionately empowering myself and others to heal, grow, and transform.  I must confess to you  that there are moments in life when I show up in my relationships and in the world that fall short of my Mission.  When I do, however, I remember my Mission Statement, and I get back on my horse and steer myself in the direction of my deepest purpose;  I get back to living my life in ways that are aligned with my Highest Self.

In this moment, I’m wondering out loud:  What is your deepest purpose?  What gifts of love and service do you wish to give to yourself, your closest relationships, and to the world at large?  In other words, what is your Mission Statement?

As a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Sports Psychology Consultant,  I can be of help assisting you in crafting your own Mission Statement.  You’ll notice that over time your Mission Statement will affect the way you work, the way you play, love, parent, and the way you live and show up in the world!!

Thank you for taking the time to read my blog.  I hope that you found it useful!!

Sincerely,

John Boesky

BEWARE THE EIGHT WORLDLY WINDS

Imgae taken from timesofmaldta.com

Image taken from timesofmaldta.com

As a Marriage and Family Therapist and Sports Psychology Consultant, I’ve learned from life experiences as well as from working with my clients that  life is inherently impermanent; nothing lasts forever.  Seasons come and go, youth gives way to old age, beauty gives way to wrinkles,  life gives way to death, and because everything eventually dies, all relationships come to an end.  A lot of us, however, turn a blind eye to how fleeting our lives are, and how ephemeral our good fortune is. We blissfully assume that the strong winds that we have at our backs will carry us forward for the rest of our lives. In addition, we become too attached or overly identified with these winds, and we believe that they represent the sum total of who we are. Gil Gronsdal, in a talk that he gave on Equanimity in 2004, referred to these winds as the “EIGHT WORLDLY WINDS.”  These winds include praise and blame, success and failure, pleasure and pain, and fame and disrepute.

As for the first of the EIGHT WORLDLY WINDS, I believe that becoming overly invested in Praise can tend toward conceit, and it can also compel us to seek out external validation from others rather than look inward for internal validation.  This habit can feel very dis-empowering over the long haul, as our sense of self becomes more and more dependent on what other people say about us.

As for the second worldly wind, I believe that shouldering too much Blame can lead us to develop a shame-based sense of self. We are not the sum total of our mistakes.  I believe that we would make far better use of our time, energy, and resources if we tabled the blame and instead, with self-compassion and self-forgiveness, thought of ways to learn from our mistakes so that we can do things more effectively the next time around.

As for Success, the third of the EIGHT WORLDLY WINDS:  When I see my clients and people in general become too attached to their own successes, I notice that they become prone to becoming  arrogant, entitled, grandiose, and narcissistic.  Often times, what lurks beneath this inflated facade lies is a profound fear of failure or being exposed as frauds. They’ve become so attached to their success and defined by the trappings of it that they’re fear of falling off the mountain top paralyzes them with self-doubt, and soon enough their performances go down the tubes.

As for Failure, the fourth of the EIGHT WORLDLY WINDS:  I believe that the  more we identify with failure, the more we feel intrinsically incompetent and inadequate.  Soon Failure becomes an integral part of our life story.  We see ourselves as the sum total of our life experiences  through this dark prism, and therefore we conclude that the winds of life have always gone against us.  This belief system often creates a victim mentality in us, and we walk around with a chip on our shoulders and/or have a contempt for other people  and/or have a deep-seeded contempt for ourselves.  For those who have become overly identified with failure, they’ve been unable to step back and recognize that although they’ve experienced failure, they never had to allow these experiences to define them as people. We are not, after all, our behaviors or our life experiences.  The essence of who we are transcends these fleeting moments.

As for Pleasure, the fifth of the EIGHT WORLDLY WINDS:  I believe that the experience of pleasure is wonderful!!  However, when a person seeks personal pleasure only at the exclusion of everything else, his or life often lacks depth, connection, meaning, and purpose.

Reacting to Pain, the sixth of the EIGHT WORLDLY WINDS:  When we experience pain, it’s our natural tendency to contract, resist the pain, and focus on it.  Unfortunately, when we resist our pain, the pain is likely to get worse.  In addition, when we focus on our pain, it tends to expand.  Although it seems incredibly counter-intuitive, the key to managing pain is to acknowledge its presence, welcome it, and be present with it.  In addition, practice the art of equanimity, equanimity arises from the power of observation, to see your pain with patience, understanding, and compassion.  Finally, remind yourself that you are not your pain; There is a soul or light inside of you that is separate from your pain and watch it from a distance, and when you learn how to do this, you pain will subside considerably for you.

As for Fame, the seventh of the EIGHT WORLDLY WINDS:  As a Marriage and Family Therapist and Sports Psychology Consultant, I’ve had the privilege of working with famous businessmen, businesswomen, actors, actresses, and professional athletes.  As a lay person, I’ve also watched the rise and fall of businessmen, politicians, actors, actresses, and professional athletes on television and read about it in the newspapers.  I imagine that you, like me, have all watched these famous people navigate their ways through the fame machine and come out the other side with a distorted sense of themselves and a warped world view.  In addition, many of them appear to me to be emaciated, ghostly, and like they’ve unnecessarily subjected themselves to multiple plastic surgeries while in their 20’s no less.  To me, these are clear signs that these “stars’ got lost somewhere in the darkness, and they lost their center of gravity.  In other words, they become imbalanced and, like a leaf carried away in no particular direction in one of the EIGHT WORLDLY WINDS, they got caught up and then lost in the gravitational vortex of fame.

Finally, there is the eighth of the EIGHT WORLDLY WINDS, and that wind is the wind of  Disrepute.  When I’ve seen people fall into disrepute, they often feel deep shame and  feelings of personal despair and disgrace.  They’ve become so attached to standing atop a pedestal and being seen as larger than life that their fall from grace crushes their ego.  They’ve spend so much time cultivating a make believe image of perfection that being seen warts and all makes them want to crawl into a hole and hide forever.  Now they feel like leapers, exiled,  shunned, and  rejected from family, friends, and foes alike.  Often times the people who have fallen into disrepute are the very same people who once enjoyed the spoils of fame.  Just as their egos and identities became too attached to their fame, now their sense of selves have become too entangled with their broken reputation.

As a Marriage and Family Therapist and Sports Psychology Consultant, I’ve found that there are many ways to avoid getting caught up in one or more of the EIGHT WORLDLY WINDS.  The first antidote that comes to mind is having the wisdom to know that our sense of inner well-being is independent of the eight winds.  When we know this, we are more likely to remain on an even keel in their midst.  In addition, another piece of wisdom that can protect us from getting caught up in one or more of the EIGHT WORLDLY WINDS is the awareness of the nature of impermanence.  The reality of life is that things change so quickly that we can’t hold onto anything.  Therefore, we must become masters at the art of letting go.  Letting go brings us peace of mind and equanimity.  As an old Buddhist saying goes, “let go, or be dragged.”

Another antidote to getting caught up in the EIGHT WORLDLY WINDS is to develop the equanimity that arises from the power of observation; the ability to see without being caught by what we see.  Also, it’s incredibly important to learn how to see with patience and understanding. When well-developed, such power of observation gives rise to peace of mind, body, and spirit.  When we can observe the highs and lows of our lives from a grounded space, we feel rooted in the essence of who we  truly are.  In these moments, we remain centered in the middle of whatever is happening.  As the “Watcher” inside of us observes all that is going on around us, we remain palpably in touch with the strong presence of  inner calm, well being, balance, integrity, and confidence that  keeps us upright, like a ballast that keeps a ship upright in strong winds.

Other ways to remain balanced, grounded, unattached, and able to observe life’s EIGHT WORLDLY WINDS without being tossed about by them is to practice meditation, yoga, and to engage in any spiritual practice that is grounded in faith and wisdom.  Also, practicing mindfulness, deep breathing, seeing a capable Marriage and Family Therapist, Sports Psychology Consultant, life coach, NLP ( Tony Robbins Stuff) Practitioner, EMDR Practitioner, or turning to any resource that resonates with you and encourages you to cultivate calm and concentration as well as strengthens your sense of self will help to keep you grounded as the Eight Worldly Winds continue to draw people in and spit them out, just as they have for generations and generations.

In addition to practices and resources that I’ve already referenced, I’d also like to strongly encourage you to strive towards being impeccable with your word and having integrity with others so that you can walk into any room in any crowd of people and feel blameless, free from from the ghosts of blame, shame, guilt, and disrepute. When you don’t engage in gossip, it’s amazing how the EIGHT WORLDLY WINDS look for new targets to descend down on.  Finally, I’d like to encourage you to focus on doing the very best that you can in your life; focus on your “Performance Scorecard,” not on your “Outcome Scorecard.”  If you’re identity is riding on your results, then you’re you’re more or less gambling day to day with your sense of well being, because your results are then dependent on variables that are often out of your hands. However, if you’re sense of well being and sense of self comes from achieving your performance goals, then you’re far more likely to feel confident and successful, regardless of the outcome of your efforts.  This is because you’ve taken care of matters that are within your control.

If you’re finding yourself swept up in one or more of the EIGHT WORLDLY WINDS, I want you to rest assured that you’re hardly alone. If you’ve grown weary, however, of twisting like a leaf out in the unpredictable winds and would like to learn how to return to your center and rediscover the essence of who you truly are again, then I want to invite you to e-mail me or give me call so that we can set up a time to visit in person.  I would enjoy that very much 🙂

Sincerely,

John Boesky, LMFT/Sports Psychology Consultant

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

MAKE USE OF TRANSITION RITUALS IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS, SPORTS ENDEAVORS, AND IN LIFE!!

Image taken from Williamhenry.net

Image taken from Williamhenry.net

As a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I work with individuals, couples, families, and high school, collegiate, and professional athletes.  I’ve often noticed in my practice that my clients don’t incorporate Transition Rituals into their daily lives;  In turn, their relationships and sports performances suffer.  I don’t begrudge my clients for not doing so, however.  I believe that they don’t make use of Transition Rituals because they don’t know what they are.  In light of this, I’d like to  take a moment to share with you what Transition Rituals are in the first place.

Transition rituals are periods of time that are carved out by someone for the  purpose of changing their psychological, emotional, physical, and spiritual state.  In addition, transition rituals are intended  to help people access different parts of their personality.  They’re most effective when they’re done with with intention, purpose, and mindfulness.  When we engage in a transition ritual while feeling distracted and not fully present, they fail to assist us in any meaningful way. Take, for example, the morning Transition Ritual of getting out of bed, showering, brushing your teeth, and putting on your dress clothes. If these acts are done mindlessly and/or unconsciously,  they will fail to assist us in preparing ourselves mentally, emotionally, and spiritually for the day ahead.

Mild mannered Clark Kent, on the other hand, created a Transition Ritual that worked wonders for him, and he did so with conscious intention and purpose. In times of crisis, he would  ritually duck into a telephone booth or stock room to make his transformation into Superman.  As the Superman franchise evolved over the years, his new Transition Ritual involved quickly entering into a revolving door, spinning through it at incredible speeds while changing his clothes, and emerging moments later as Superman, donning a red cape while having access to superhuman strength and superhero powers so that he could go about saving the world one crisis at a time.

We can all use Transition Rituals in our daily lives to change our state and/or to access different parts of our personality.  Take, for example, the lives of a police officer, a family therapist, and a professional Mixed Martial Artist:

If an authoritarian police officer does not engage in a Transition Ritual before he comes home to greet his wife and children, for example, he’s likely to bring the same stoic, law-abiding, inflexible mentality home with him, which would in turn cause his wife and children to want to withdraw from him;  If a Marriage and Family Therapist doesn’t engage in a Transition Ritual after a long day of working with clients, he or she may be prone to offering unsolicited advice to family and friends at home and elsewhere;  If a professional Mixed Martial Artist doesn’t  engage in a transition Ritual before leaving the gym, he may bring his warrior energy and gladiatorial spirit to the outside world and energetically intimidate people and push them away.

Alas, if only the aforementioned professionals incorporated transition rituals into their lives!!  They would be able to then to switch gears, change states, and welcome in parts of their personalities that would enable them to show up in their relationships, sports, and lives in ways that would better support their deepest needs and wants.  The beautiful thing about Transition rituals is that they are often easy, effortless, and enjoyable.  Transition rituals include carving out time before or after work to do yoga, take the dog for a walk, read the Bible, go for a run, and engage in diaphragmatic breathing exercises; People can also choose instead to listen to calming or energizing music, listen to hypnosis CD’s, engage in progressive muscle relaxation exercises, take a soothing walk on the beach, meditate, engage in mindfulness exercises, and/or engage in visualization exercises; Sometimes  transition rituals include taking a warm, bubble bath, getting a massage, or calling a really good friend on your way home from work for some laughs.

I always encourage my clients to come up with and routinely engage in transition rituals that they resonate with the most.  In addition, I remind them to engage in their transition ritual with intention and purpose.  As for me, I currently engage in many transition rituals that help me a lot both personally and professionally.  In my co-ed Personal Growth Group, for example, I use a Tibetan singing bowl at the beginning and end of each group therapy session to create a calming sound that is intended to signal to the group members that they have now entered into a sacred space, or sanctuary, within my office that is separate and apart from the noisy outside world they’ve just left behind.  In my Men’s group, I burn sage 10 minutes prior to the beginning of each group session, and I ask them to participate in a smudging ritual that is intended to cleanse them of any thoughts or feelings that would otherwise make it difficult for them to be fully present during our time together;  Because our minds use and respond to symbolism, the men in our group  find this transition ritual to be very effective in helping them to be fully present and in touch with their hearts.

If you find yourself living unconsciously from moment to moment and day to day, then I’d like to strongly encourage you to partake in a transition ritual(s) that will help you to switch gears, access different states, and summon the parts of your personality that will serve you best in the countless realms of your life;  Do so with intention and a clear sense of purpose, and do so routinely so that you can show up consistently in your relationships, sports, and life in ways that will serve your highest good and help you achieve your desired outcomes. As a Marriage and Family Therapist and Sports Performance Consultant, I would also like you to kindly note that I would be very happy to sit down with you in person to co-create a transition ritual(s) that you can incorporate into your daily life for the purpose of dramatically improving it!!

Thank you for taking the time to read this blog!!  I sincerely hope that you found it be interesting and informative.

John Boesky, LMFT/Sports Performance Consultant