Category Archives: ANGER MANAGEMENT

Healthy Complaining Vs. Harmful Complaining in Relationships

Healthy Complaining Vs. Harmful Complaining in Relationships

 

photo taken from clipartguide.com

photo taken from clipartguide.com

As a Licensed Marriage and family Therapist, Master NLP Practitioner, Certified Hypnotherapist, Dharma Life Coach, and Sports Psychology Consultant, I wholeheartedly agree with John Gottman’s assertion that it’s a myth that happily married people don’t complain about each other’s behaviors.  The reality in partnerships and marriages is that we all have our own idiosyncratic needs, rhythms, desires, and habits.  Inevitably, sometimes our different needs and desires can collide.  Given that it’s inevitable that partners in relationships inevitably have complaints about each other, it’s incredibly helpful for the vitality and well-being of your relationship to know how to engage in healthy complaining vs. harmful complaining

One strategy that simply won’t work, however, is stifling your complaints and burying them alive.  This well-intentioned strategy or fear-based endeavor only serves to create “negative sentiment override.”  In other words, over time your bad thoughts about your partner override your positive thoughts about your partner, and you eventually associate him or her with feelings of pain, resentment, anger, or loneliness.  When you stockpile your grievances, your bad feelings fester and grow, and sooner or later you find yourself distancing yourself emotionally from him or her to avoid feeling pain, or you might lash out at your partner while he or she feels blindsided because your silence has left them clueless and in the dark.  When your offending partner is in the dark, he or she can’t improve his ability to meet your needs because he doesn’t know what is wrong until after you’ve already hit your limit and exploded with a barrage of criticisms.

In a moment, I’m going to share with you examples of harmful complaining, and then I’m going to then share with you healthy ways to complain to your partner instead.

Harmful Complaining

 

Harmful Complaining:  Describe your perception of the problem as an absolute truth:  “Anyone can see that…”

Harmful complaining:  Stockpiling complaints

Harmful complaining:  Make broad, sweeping statements using always or never:  You never take me anywhere…

Harmful Complaining:  Digging up grievances from the past

Harmful Complaining:  Don’t complain:  Expect your partner to mind read and guess your needs and desires…

Harmful Complaining:  Criticize your partner’s personality or character

Harmful Complaining:  Give your partner unsolicited advice, telling him what he  should or shouldn’t do, say, behave, appear, etc.

 

Harmful Ways to Respond to a Complaint

 

Harmful Way to Respond to a Complaint:  Ignore the complaint, stonewall, be dismissive of the complaint, become defensive, and/or counterattack.

Harmful Way to Respond to a Complaint:  Belittle or criticize your partner for complaining, become sarcastic, condescending, critical, or contemptuous.

Harmful Way to Respond to a Complaint:  Defend yourself; find justifications and rationalizations for your behavior, your lapses in integrity, your broken agreements, etc.

Harmful Way to Respond to a Complaint:  Deny responsibility for the problem and deflect the blame back on the other person.  Ultimately, we must remember that we are responsible for how we choose to respond to people, regardless of how they treat us.

 

Healthy Complaining

 

Healthy Complaining:  Express your needs and/or complain in ways that are clear, respectful, specific, and immediate.  Your partner is more likely to hear your complaint and respond to it when you share your complaint in this manner; this approach leads to problem solving, building intimacy, and strengthening your relationship.

Healthy complaining:  Share responsibility for the problem vs. blame problem on other person

Healthy complaining:   Describe the problem in terms of your perception, opinion, or style:

Healthy Complaining:  Focus on a specific problem, tackling each problem one at a time

Healthy Complaining:  Focus on the present

Healthy Complaining: Focus on your partner’s actions and share how they make you feel (“when you do…, I feel…”)

Healthy Complaining:  Tell your partner about your needs, longings, and desires

Healthy Complaining:  Ask your partner for what you want rather than focus on what you don’t want.  Address his or her behavior instead of his or her character.

Healthy Complaining:  Ask your partner first if he or she is open to hearing your complaint and/or constructive feedback; Asking him or her first respects your partner’s autonomy and opens their hearts to being more receptive to what you wish to share.

Healthy Complaining:  Preface your complaint by first sharing your positive intention and positive desired outcome for  sharing your complaint in the first place.

Healthy Ways to Respond to a Complaint

 

Healthy Way to Respond to a Complaint: Rephrase your partner’s complaint so your partner feels heard, acknowledged, and trusts that you understand what he or she is saying

Healthy Way to Respond to a Complaint:  Ask questions for to understand your partner’s frame of reference more.  Ask open-ended questions to give him or her room to elaborate and share even more about what’s weighing on his or her mind.

Healthy Way to Respond to a Complaint:  Acknowledge and empathize with the feelings behind your partner’s complaint, even if you don’t agree with what he or she is complaining about

Healthy Way to Respond to a Complaint:  Take ownership for your actions and apologize when an apology is warranted.

Healthy Way to Respond to a Complaint:  Take responsibility for your contribution to the problem

Healthy way to Respond to a Complaint:  Seek first to understand, then to be understood.  In other words, listen first, talk second.

Healthy way to Respond to a Complaint:  Be mindful of your body language, and respond with a receptive, soft tone of voice

Please keep in mind that it’s not uncommon that one or both partners in a relationship are highly sensitive to complaints and criticism. People who are highly sensitive to complaints and criticism likely developed these patterns in childhood:  usually this heightened sensitivity stems from growing up in homes where there was substance abuse, emotional, sexual, or physical abuse, abandonment, or emotional neglect.  Small Children are naturally Egocentric and falsely believe their actions cause family problems or instability. They feel responsible for the unfortunate circumstances going on in their lives that are beyond their control.  In turn, they are prone to blaming themselves for their parent’s divorce, the death of a loved one, their parent’s abrupt departure to fight in wars, etc.  As they grow up, they feel compelled to defend themselves, to say constantly, “It’s not my fault.” If they hear a complaint, they automatically brace themselves and prepare to fight back, whether they’re under attack or not.

This can be a real struggle in a close partnership or marriage.  What starts out as one person sharing his needs can quickly devolve into a full-fledged battle.  The highly sensitive partner might be prone to jumping to distorted conclusions about what his or her partner is saying and presume that he or she is being deliberately hurtful or malicious when this may not be the case at all.  The antidote or solution to this pattern is for the highly sensitive partner is to listen carefully to the words his partner is saying when he is stating a need or a making request; your partner may not be as critical as you first think.  Be particularly aware of times that you automatically react by defending yourself.  Think or imagine a different response instead, and mentally rehearse that new response in your mind’s eye repeatedly so that you’re more likely to respond in kind the next time you feel emotionally criticized. Take a deep breath, pause, and courageously challenge yourself to agree to anything that your partner says that rings true.  If you wish, you can also summon the courage to ask your partner to tell you more about his need or complaint.

If your partner is highly sensitive, take extra care to avoid criticism when stating your needs.  If your partner responds defensively, avoid responding the same way; respond to defensiveness by clarifying your statement of need.

Thank you for taking your time to read this blog.  I hope that you found it illuminating and helpful.

Sincerely,

John Boesky, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

( MNLP/CHT/Dharma Life Coach & Sports Psychology Consultant)

 

Hypnotherapy: How it Works-And No,It Won’t Make You Cluck Like A Chicken!!

HYPNOTHERAPY

Image from galleryhip.com

Image from galleryhip.com

As a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Master NLP Practitioner, Dharma Life Coach, Sports Psychology Consultant, and Certified Hypnotherapist, I want to take a moment and share with you how hypnotherapy works, and how come it is so useful in empowering my clients to make positive changes in their behavior, adopt new and empowering belief systems, develop new strategies to substantially improve the quality of their lives, assist them in aligning their actions with their core values and guiding principles, etc.  However, before I share with you the benefits that come from hypnotherapy, I want to shed light for you on what hypnosis is and what hypnosis is not.

First and foremost, I want to assure you that hypnosis is not a state of being asleep or unconscious; this notion is patently false.  In addition, seeking out hypnosis or hypnotherapy doesn’t mean that you’re gullible, weak-minded, at the mercy of being controlled by someone else, vulnerable to revealing secrets about yourself or someone else, or that you’ll experience a loss of self-control of some kind.   On the contrary of what some people mistakenly believe about hypnosis, the process of hypnotherapy merely helps you experience a state of relaxation and effortless concentration in which you are awake, in rapport with your unconscious mind, in total control, and have greater access to your active imagination and independent will, wisdom,  and treasure trove of internal resources.  As you are experiencing hypnosis, you are always capable of making decisions at all times.   You are aware of everything while being hypnotised , and you can choose to welcome positive suggestions into your unconscious mind or reject them out of hand if you feel that they won’t serve you.  The bottom line is that you are the engine, and I am merely the steering wheel.   Let me demonstrate to you what hypnosis really feels like:  Kindly close your eyes and pause for 5 seconds. That’s it, it feels just like that!!

The truth is, everything is hypnosis.  Waking forms of hypnosis include television, radio advertisements, self-talk, reading, daydreaming, listening to your I-Pod, mental and emotional rehearsal, visualization, and meditation.  All of these activities put us in altered states and open us up to good and bad suggestions about ourselves, our lives, and the world we live in.  Thought-provoking questions, too, can help us change states and drop down into our unconscious minds and arrive at deeper truths about ourselves, our purpose, our mission, and our destiny.  Hypnotherapists would say these questions and the subsequent search for answers that lie beneath your conscious mind in the pool of your unconscious mind a “Transderivational Search.” TDS is a compelling, automatic and unconscious state of internal focus and processing.

Even seemingly mundane things make hypnotic deposits into our unconscious mind like what your potential new boyfriend or girlfriend’s clothing attire is like, the type of car that he or she drives, the kind of furniture he or she has in her home, the metaphorical paintings hung up on his or her wall, or the spiritual or religious symbols placed on his or her or desk provide you indirect, unconscious suggestions about his or her successes, financial situation, and core values and belief systems.

Hypnosis is a collaboration between therapist and client, and it is designed to amplify your abilities, increase your personal control, offer your solutions and opportunities for self-healing, harness your resources to create what you truly want, change old memories so that the ones that you’ve replaced them with support and empower you, change your state, help you to feel how you want to feel, increase your self-esteem,  de-couple or unlink old, Neuro- associations, adopt more adaptive behaviors, acquire self-empowering belief systems, decide on your highest values and guiding principles, help you to respond to situations instead of react to them, provide you new strategies to manage your life on your terms, embrace healthier habits, activate the Law of Attraction, and consistently achieve specific and desired outcomes.

In order for Hypnosis to work most effectively, it’s important that you and I help you enter into an altered state of consciousness in which you feel relaxed so that there is a quieting of your conscious mind and a softening of your psychic defenses so that you are responsive to my positive suggestions. As a Certified hypnotherapist, it is my job to easily and effortlessly help you to enter into an Apha or Theta electromagnetic brain-wave state ( altered states) to help you achieve your desired outcomes. These are two of the 4 different frequencies of electromagnetic brainwaves that provide us our state of ‘consciousness.’

Before I share with you how I do this, I want to briefly share with you a little bit about these two brainwave states.  The Alpha state is a relaxed state.  You are able to access creativity, rest, reflection,  and visualization.  Theta state is a deeper state of relaxation that enhances mental processes; this is a common state of meditation, daydreaming, being creative, accessing memories, learning, and adopting more adaptive, empowering beliefs about yourself, relationships, and the world at large.  You experience theta as you fall asleep and wake up every day.  In light of our relaxed, open, and receptive state of consciousness when we’re in Alpha and Theta states, they are the optimal states for clients seeking to benefit from hypnosis. In these relaxed states, we have far more access to the treasure trove of resources and pearls of wisdom that are already housed inside of our unconscious minds.

To support you in getting into an Alpha or Theta state, I use a variety of techniques, including using a hypnotic induction script that you can simply Google and find, use hypnotic language and phrasing, state-deepening techniques, engage  your imagination, use powerful imagery, use metaphors, use symbols, engage your senses, tell you stories,  allow for silences and deliberate pauses to elapse as I speak, ask you thought-provoking questions, rely on quotes from famous people, and use my voice as an instrument that has a deep, low, rhythmic, and repetitious tone and timbre.  The reality is that what I say is not nearly as important as how I say it!!

So far, I’ve shared with you what hypnosis is and what it isn’t.  I’ve also shared with you that it’s a collaborative endeavor between you, my client, and me, your therapist, and it is designed (among other things) to put you in a state of relaxation so that you are able to amplify your abilities, adopt new belief systems, and help you to access resources that are already inside of you realize more of your fullest potential and be the creative force in your own life.  Now, I’d like to share with you how I facilitate a collaborative hypnotherapy session that will yield the results that you’re looking for.

Although there are many ways to facilitate a hypnotherapy session, my favorite is co-creating a script with my client whereupon I ask him or her specific questions to help them attain their desired outcomes.  For example, I’ll ask him or her some of the following questions:  1)What is your desired outcome?  2)  How would you like to behave, act, and respond to whatever old challenges you’re facing starting today and going forward?  3) How would you like to feel?  4)  What sensations would you like to feel in your body?  5) What images or metaphors come up that accurately reflect the challenge that you’re facing?  6) What image or metaphor reflects how you’re overcoming your current challenge successfully?  7)  What would you like to believe about yourself as you’re overcoming this challenge and adopting new behaviors, letting go of old memories, vanquishing parts of you that may be sabotaging you, etc? 8)  How come overcoming this challenge is valuable and important to you?  9)  What are the rewards that you’ll gain by overcoming this challenge?  10)  How would you like your body language to be today and going forward?  11)  What resources must you remember to access that’s already inside of you to overcome this challenge?  12)  How will you know when you have accomplished your goal?  13)  How will your life improve when you’ have attained your stated goal?  After writing down my client’s answers to these questions, I now have a script that I can use to reflect back to my client precisely what they have shared with me and want to hear reflected back to them in order to plant the seeds for transformation in their unconscious minds.

Although there are many ways to do hypnosis, I prefer co-creating a hypnotherapy script with my clients.  Therefore, After my client and I have co-created a Hypnosis script together, I begin the process of helping them enter into a state of deep relaxation so that they are vastly more receptive to the positive suggestions that I will deposit into their unconscious minds now that their psychic defenses are down.  As my client is feeling more and more relaxed, I use my voice, hypnotic language, questions, embedded commands, metaphors, symbols, stories, imagery, and other techniques to deeply ingrain in them the new behaviors, attitudes, beliefs, and feelings that they want to incorporate in their day-to-day lives.  I only use words that are positive because negative words are rejected by the unconscious mind.  I also am mindful to make my positive suggestions as detailed and specific as possible from my client’s perspective and/or map of the world.  Sometimes, however, I’m purposefully vague so that my clients can pool from their unconscious minds additional behaviors, empowering belief systems, guiding principles, and other resources that they didn’t have access to as we were co-creating our hypnosis script together.

As I facilitate hypnosis with my clients,  I’m also sure to make positive suggestions that are realistic, achievable, and believe-able to them.  In addition, I choose to be repetitive with my positive suggestions because this ingrains in them new conditioned behaviors and responses.  As Tony Robbins often says, “Repetition is the Mother of all skill.”  In addition, repetition aligns with the principles behind the Law of Concentrated Attention.  This law states that when our concentration and attention is subjected to repetition, we are far more likely to act on it.  Television commercials, for example, apply the principles behind the Law of Concentrated attention to compel you to go out and buy what they’re marketing to you. When the same commercial comes on 5 times throughout a one hour television show, we are far more likely to feel compelled to buy whatever the commercial is marketing to us  the next time that we see it in a grocery store, on-line, etc.

In addition to using repetition and ensuring that my client’s goals are realistic and achievable, I am careful to speak in the present tense to them as I facilitate their hypnotherapy.  Instead of saying to them, “You will be,”, I will say to them instead, ” You already are.”   Mind you, this present-tense approach is not a form of self-deception; it is a form of self-direction.  I am also mindful to pair positive emotions with the positive suggestions that they are longing to hear.  For example, instead of saying, ” You are finding your voice with your boss,”, I will say, ” You are courageously and delightfully finding your voice with your boss.”  Furthermore, I address my client’s relationship with themselves, their relationships with the people in their lives, and their relationship with the world at large.  In other words, I focus on my client’s values, behaviors, responses, emotions, belief systems, etc.  It serves no purpose to say, ” Your husband treats you with respect” or ” The audience is loving you,” because how others behave is outside of my client’s control.

In conclusion, the reason that Hypnosis is such a powerful therapeutic tool is because the unconscious mind responds to experiential communication,is capable of symbolic interpretation, and responds to metaphors, symbols, stories, etc. In addition, hypnosis offers therapists and clients alike a way to access the treasure trove or resources and library of wisdom that is housed there.  In turn, hypnotherapy facilitates personal empowerment, allows clients to access illuminating insights, sharpens their intuition, and helps them to integrate and/or incorporate new paradigms, states, values, belief systems, behaviors, and much, much more so that they experience positive shifts and changes in their lives sooner than later.

Although Hypnotherapy isn’t a silver bullet that puts to rest whatever challenges you’re facing, it’s a powerful therapeutic technique never the less that is specifically designed to contribute to your personal growth and assist you in realizing your greatest potential.  As a Certified Hypnotherapist, I’ve been delighted to find that it’s a safe, collaborative endeavor, and it’s one that I highly encourage you to use to support yourself in achieving your goals and desired outcomes!!  As a matter of fact, I personally create Hypnotherapy scripts for myself, and I am happy to tell you that I’ve found them to be invaluable as I continue to grow and evolve.

I sincerely hope that you found my blog on how Hypnotherapy works informative and enlightening.

Warm regards to all of you~

John Boesky, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist ( MFT)/ Certified Hypnotherapist

( Master NLP Practitioner, Certified Dharma Life Coach & Sports Psychology Consultant )

 

 

 

DONALD STERLING: A WALKING MIRROR THAT REFLECTS THE PREJUDICES IN ALL OF US

image taken from designtrend.com

image taken from designtrend.com

Several months ago Donald Sterling, a Jewish billionaire and owner of the NBA franchise, the Los Angeles Clippers, was caught on audio tape saying various racist and bigoted things about African Americans and other races and ethnic groups.  It’s particularly ironic that he would speak so condescendingly and belittling about African Americans because the majority of his team is comprised of African Americans, and he was in the throes of an extramarital affair with a much younger woman that appears to be African American or, at the very least, bi-racial.  Never the less, this old man with a “Plantation paradigm” appears to believe that blacks are his inferior to him, and it’s apparent that his dying paradigm hasn’t modernized much at all even though beliefs and perceptions on the subject of race have changed dramatically since the Civil War.

Although Donald Sterling’s comments were indeed repugnant, I believe that in many ways they reflect the beliefs and perceptions of countless other people throughout America and the world who merely choose to repress their own racist feelings because they fear  the consequences that will surely come if they truly speak their minds.  These consequences usually include being fired from one’s job, being shunned by more progressive friends, and being silenced by the politically correct who are everywhere among us.  As a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Master NLP Practitioner, Certified Hypnotherapist, and Sports Psychology Consultant, I can attest to this fact because I have personally worked with clients that have suffered irreparable damage to their reputations and careers as a result of saying the wrong, or politically incorrect, thing at the wrong time.

Sadly for Donald Sterling, his comments were so outdated and so incendiary that he morphed into a walking caricature or cartoon figure of the racists and bigots that walk more inconspicuously among us right before out very eyes.  If there was a tall, bloated balloon at the annual Macy’s Thanksgiving parade that represented what a racist looks like, it would don the face of Donald Sterling himself.  Although it’s easy to castigate Donald Sterling, I prefer to see his bigoted remarks as a gift to all of us; his words are a reminder to all of us that are humble, courageous, and self-aware enough to admit it that we also have our own prejudices against all kinds of races, ethnic groups, sexual orientations, religious groups, the rich, the poor, Republicans, Democrats, the homeless, lawyers, professional athletes, reality TV stars, rappers, country singers, misogynists, short men, handicapped people, overweight people, powerful women, beautiful women, homemakers, drug addicts, people who are on anti-depressant medication, the mentally ill, illegal immigrants, those who live in America and don’t speak English yet, those without college degrees, laborers, rape victims, etc.  We all have our own shadows that we try to repress, deny, and/or disown, and these shadows darken the light that reflects our soul’s loving and compassionate nature; we all have our own conscious or unconscious prejudices, but we have been conditioned to wear a social mask and lie to ourselves and others that our thoughts are as pure as the white driven snow. When we deny or disown our shadows, though, we actually give them more life.  As a Marriage and Family Therapist, I often share with my clients that “what we resist persists.”

I will confess to you that I have my own prejudices, and I work daily to own them so that I can eventually transcend them.  One prejudice I have is against those who lie to themselves and others and claim that they actually have no prejudices!!  I’ve grown so weary of radio and T.V. personalities who say something that is clearly racist or bigoted and then adamantly deny having ever had a racist, homophobic, or other impure thought by saying things like, ”some of my best friends are black” or “I gave money to an AIDS charity that supports gays and lesbians” or “I grew up around bigotry and always vowed that I would never allow myself to think those kinds of thoughts.”  The sad truth is that all of their attempts to rationalize away what they have said are merely hollow and disingenuous attempts  to deny to themselves and to the public that their minds, like the rest of us, are actually impure and vulnerable to falling prey to having prejudices, biases, etc.   These very people  “protest too much” and they are therefore either hypocrites, in grave denial, or actively trying to pull the wool over their  eyes and our eyes too.  There are countless examples of such hypocrites in our midst that immediately come to mind.  Take, for example,  Michael Jordan, Jesse Jackson, Joe Biden, Al Sharpton, Spike Lee, Marion Barry, and Dan Rather.

Michael Jordan, who is widely regarded as the greatest professional basketball player ever to play the game, grew up in North Carolina during a time when there were more KluKluxKlan members in his state than there were in all of the other Southern States combined.  He once said, ” I considered myself a racist at the time.  Basically, I was against all white people.”  Jordan later said, however, that his Mother told him that he could not live a life consumed by racial hatred.  Jordan added that he finally began to understand more about race relations after watching the miniseries, Roots.  Although Jordan has conceded that he was once a full blown racist against white people while  adding that he’s since worked on owning this shadow, I highly doubt that there is not a trace of racism left anywhere in his mind, body, heart, and soul.

Never the less, as soon as the Donald Sterling scandal broke out, it was Michael Jordan who chose to say the following:  ”I am completely disgusted that a fellow team owner could hold such sickening and offensive views…There is no room in the NBA- or anywhere else, for the kind of racism and hatred Mr. Sterling expressed.  I am appalled that this type of ignorance still exists within our country, and at the highest level of our sport…In a league where the majority of our players are African-American, we cannot and must not tolerate discrimination at any level.”  Although I wholeheartedly agree with Michael Jordan’s sentiments, I simply don’t buy the idea that he has truly transcended his own ethnic and racial prejudices so thoroughly that he’s in a position to stand on a pulpit and denounce others for the very same prejudices and hatred he has acknowledged having had at one time for white people.  If I were a betting man, I would bet my house that Michael Jordan still harbors racist feelings towards whites, Jews, and countless other racial and ethnic groups as well.  I commend him if has  made great strides towards overcoming his prejudices.  I cannot in good conscience, however, stand up, applaud him, and make pretend that I believe that his heart and mind is entirely cleansed of all racism and bigotry.

Other public figures and celebrities that have allowed their politically correct, social masks to accidentally slip off include African-American Reverend Jesse Jackson, our Caucasian Vice President Joe Biden,  famous African-American movie producer, Spike Lee, famous Caucasian news anchor, Dan Rather, and former African-American governor Marion Barry. During his 1984 presidential campaign, Jesse Jackson derisively spoke of New York City as a place teeming with “Hymies”, and he even went so far as to call New York City “Hymietown.”  For those of you who don’t know, the word “Hymie” is a racist term used to disparage Jews.  Our very own Vice President, Joe Biden, said a few years ago, “You cannot go to a 7 11 or Dunkin Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent.”  Regarding his own running mate, Barack Obama, Joe Biden said, “I mean you just got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate, bright, clean, and a nice-looking guy; I mean, that’s a storybook, man.”  As for African-American movie producer, Spike Lee, he once said, ” I give interracial couples a look.  Daggers…They get uncomfortable when they see me on the street.”

As for Dan Rather, he said of Barack Obama, “He’s a nice person.  He’s very articulate and this is what’s been used against him, but he couldn’t sell watermelons if you gave him the state troopers to flag down the traffic.”    Former governor, Marion Barry, once said, “We got to do something about these Asians coming in and opening up businesses and dirty shops.  They ought to go.”  Although each of the politicians, public figures, and celebrities that I have  just mentioned clearly have racist thoughts percolating around in the recesses of their minds, I guarantee you that none of them would cop to it.  On the contrary, they would allude to friends of theirs that are Jewish, Indian,  African-American, or in a romantic partnership with someone of the opposite race.  Or perhaps they would talk of charity work they have done on behalf of the very people they have openly degraded, or they would talk of  extended family members that are married to someone who is Jewish, Indian, African-American, etc.  Their attempts to deny their own prejudices never end because they want to maintain their squeaky clean image.  What’s paradoxical and ironic, though, is that the more someone deflects and denies his or her own prejudices, the less trustworthy they become.  As a Marriage and Family Therapist, I have been facilitating a Men’s group for over 7 years now.  I’ve noticed that the men that are most honest about their shortcomings and take ownership of their shadows are the men that the other group members trusts the most.  On the contrary, the men who deny their shadows and repress their darker thoughts are the ones that are trusted least.

Since the Donald Sterling story broke awhile back, there has only been one public figure that I have grown to respect and trust as it pertains to the topic of racism, bigotry, and prejudice.  His name is Mark Cuban, who is the billionaire owner of the NBA franchise, the Dallas Mavericks.  As everyone was clamoring to have Sterling banned from the NBA, Mark Cuban shared his thoughts on the matter in a self-reflective, honest, and forthcoming manner.  He said, ” I know that I’m prejudiced, and I know that I’m bigoted in a lot of different ways…None of us have pure thoughts; we all live in glass houses.”

Wow…

My sentiments exactly…

I want to invite all the self-righteous hypocrites out there who claim to be enlightened and pure of thought to kindly consider the possibility that perhaps the feelings of outrage that you openly express about Donald Sterling has just as much to do with you as they do with him.  I wonder if his blatant racism and bigotry awakens in you the realization that you have a little bit of him inside of you.  After all, it takes one to know one or “if you spot it, you got it.”  Marriage and Family Therapists and anyone else that works in the field of psychology call this phenomena “Projection.”  Whenever we have a strong “charge” with someone else and want to judge or condemn them, the chances are extraordinarily high that you’re seeing traits in that person that mirrors similar traits inside of yourself that you’d rather not acknowledge or take ownership of; you’d prefer to project the traits that you don’t like in yourself onto someone else.  For this very reason, I propose that Donald Sterling is a living and breathing mirror and/or gift for all of us; he gives all of us an opportunity to go inside ourselves and explore our “charge” with him so that we can take ownership of the prejudices that live inside of us and do the personal growth work it will take to make our prejudices smaller and smaller over the course of time.

Thank you for taking your time to read my blog on racism, prejudice, and the phenomena of  projection.  I hope  you found my blog thought-provoking and enlightening.

Warmly,

John Boesky, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist/NLP Practitioner/Certified Hypnotherapist/& Sports Psychology Consultant

 

 

 

H.A.L.T. BEFORE YOUR ARGUMENTS ESCALATE!!

image taken from express.ok.uk

image taken from express.ok.uk

As a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Master NLP Practitioner, I’ve worked with countless couples and families since 2000.  In my work with them, I’ve learned how incredibly important it is to encourage them to discuss inflammatory topics when they are in resourceful states; it is the difference that makes the difference.  When couples or families are in resourceful states, each person is feeling calm, centered, open-minded, and desirous of hearing what their loved one wants to share and say; they seek first to understand, then to be understood. They know in their heart  that they have the resources within them to remain safe, fully present, and grounded even if their partner or family member says something that they wholeheartedly disagree with.  They also know that they are deeply lovable and worthwhile regardless of what is being said.

Unfortunately, couples and family members discuss feelings and other touchy subjects when they’re not in resourceful states.  As a Marriage and Family Therapist, I’ve witnessed this misstep all too often, and I’ve seen couples and family members escalate the tension between them and saying and doing things that only serve to damage the safety and trust that serves as the foundation of their relationship.  As a result, I encourage them to be mindful of the following acronym:  H.A.L.T.  The letters in this acronym stand for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired.

Whenever a person is hungry, angry, lonely, or tired, they’re prone to hearing things in a distorted way.  They are vulnerable to seeing the world and their relationship through a dark prism, and they’re going to take assume the worst and/or misconstrue what’s being said simply because they’re not in a resourceful state.  On the contrary, they’re in an imbalanced state of mind and body, and therefore they’re unable to hear, think, and respond accurately or constructively.  In addition to being mindful of whether or not you’re feeling hungry, angry, lonely, or tired, I want to invite you now to consider what other states make it very challenging for you to truly listen and talk to your loved one without the likelihood of tensions between the two of you blowing up in your faces.

If you’re a woman, for example, I wonder if the day before your menstrual cycle or throughout your menstrual cycle you’re more likely to enter into a state of mind and body that makes you far more prone to misconstruing what’s being said or more vulnerable to seeing the people around you in a negative light.  If you’re a man or woman who is on medication and happens to experience withdrawal symptoms when you forget to take it, I wonder if this is a time when you’re more likely to be irritable, agitated, and unable to have a constructive conversation with the person you love.  If you’ve just received bad news, I wonder if this is a time when you’re not in enough of a resourceful state to have a challenging conversation.

Starting today, if you’re in a relationship and there is a challenging topic that you or your loved one wants to discuss, ask yourself if you’re in enough of a resourceful state to have the discussion without losing your cool.  Ask yourself if you’re feeling hungry, angry, lonely, tired, and/or any other emotion that will make it too difficult for you to be fully present, calm, cool, and collected to talk about something that might trigger you.  If you’re not in a resourceful state, I want to invite you to tell your loved one that you’d like to take a time out and revisit the topic in a  mutually agreeable amount of time to avoid unnecessary hurt  and preserve, instead, the well being, safety, and trust that keeps your relationship thriving.

Thank you for taking your time to read this blog.  I hope that you found it thought provoking and instructive.

Sincerely,

John Boesky, LMFT

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist/ Master NLP Practitioner/Certified Hypnotherapist

 

What is NLP (Neuro-Lingusitic Programming)?

Image taken from expertmind.com

Image taken from expertmind.com

As a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Master Neuro-Linguistic Programmer, I want to take a moment and share with you what NLP stands for; Neuro-Linguistic Programming is a name that encompasses the three most influential components involved in producing human experience: neurology, language and programming. The neurological system regulates how our bodies function, language determines how we interface and communicate with other people and our programming determines the kinds of models of the world we create. Neuro-Linguistic Programming describes the fundamental dynamics between mind (Neuro) and language (linguistic) and how their interplay affects our body and behavior (Programming).

To define “Neuro” more clearly for you, I want to add that it includes our nervous system (the mind) through which our experiences are processed through our five senses: More specifically Visual (sight), Auditory (hearing), Kinesthetic (touch), Olfactory (smell), and Gustatory (taste).  In NLP, we believe that we encode and give meaning to our sensory experiences through our use of Sub Modalities.  Visual Sub Modalities, for example, include whether or not the images in our minds are in black and white, color, near or far, bright or dim, focused or unfocused, moving or still, framed or panoramic, associated or disassociated, etc.  Auditory Sub Modalities include whether or not what we hear is loud or soft, internal or external, fast or slow, high in pitch, low, etc.  Kinesthetic Sub Modalties include whether or not our felt sense of our experiences have a shape to it, a texture, a size, a weight, a movement, a location in our bodies, etc.  In NLP, Master NLP Practitioners like me change a client’s Sub Modalities (with his or her permission and collaboration) so that we can change the way he or she has encoded and given meaning to his experiences, if it will serve his or her highest good to do so.

For example, if a client of mine has a daunting picture or movie in his mind’s eye of an upcoming tennis match, and it appears to him in black and white, dim, and loud with the sound of tennis balls being whacked all around the court, I might encourage him to make the picture or movie colorful, bright, and accompanied by the sight of tennis balls moving in slow motion with a muted sound. If his opponent appears to him in his picture or movie as 10 feet tall, I might encourage him to freeze the frame, shrink it in size, and make his opponent appear 1 inch tall with big ears and bushy eye brows.  I might even encourage him to add a circus soundtrack to his picture or movie to help him laugh and see his tennis match as funny and therefore something to look forward to.

If the nervousness he is feeling feels like a cold, rectangular piece of sharp glass located in the pit of his stomach, I might encourage him to make the cold, rectangular shape of sharp glass in the pit of stomach warm, round, soft, and ask him to then imagine pushing that rectangular object out of his stomach to the opposite side of the room.  By changing his Sub Modalities, or the ways he is encoding and giving meaning to his tennis match, I’m changing his “internal representation”, or interpretation, of what his tennis match really means; It’s an opportunity to have fun, embrace the challenge, and do his very best.  After all, Master NLP Practitioners don’t believe that there is such a thing as failure; there is only feedback.

Changing his picture or movie of his match will change his “State” (feelings), which in turn will change his physiology and body language.  This is one of the many goals of NLP; to change a client’s  “internal representations”, or his  interpretations of events that are being influenced by his senses and 5 senses and respective Sub Modalities, so that he can change the way he sees the past, the present, and the future as well as how he sees himself, others, and the world around him.

When I use the term “Linguistic”, I am referring to the language and other nonverbal communication systems through which our neural representations are coded, ordered, and given meaning.  These neural representations include pictures, sounds, feelings, tastes, smells, and words (Self-Talk.)  These words also include the metaphors, similes, and analogies we use as well as the many symbolic ways that we express ourselves. When we change these neural representations, we are able to change our states and internal representations of the world, and we are also able to communicate with others far more effectively.  The language used in NLP is often sensory grounded to code what we’re capable of doing behaviorally.

When it comes to “Linguistics”, Master NLP practitioners like me wholeheartedly believe that only 7% of communication with others consists of the words we use; 38% of communication consists of the tone that we use; finally, 55% of our communication with others consists of our physiology, or body language.  Therefore, when we choose to mirror someone else’s words, tone, and body language, we’re able to build rapport with them almost instantly.

Another way that master NLP practitioners use language powerfully is by incorporating hypnotic language when working with clients.  When NLP originators John Grinder and Richard Bandler teamed up with the father of hypnosis, Milton Erickson, they realized that using NLP techniques and patterns in concert with Erickson’s hypnotic phrasing helped them to affect positive change in their clients even more rapidly than they did beforehand.  Erickson’s hypnotic language is merely a way of using words to bypass a client’s conscious resistance so that he or she is receptive to the very changes in their lives that they want to create!!  A typical Erickson language pattern often used is called “tag questions.”  If a client of mine wants to believe that she’s capable, but she consciously believes that she’s incapable, I might use a tag question by saying, ” You know better than anyone that you’re capable, don’t you?”

As a Master NLP Practitioner, I know that speaking to a client’s conscious mind and saying, “you’re capable” will likely go in one ear and out the other; my words will be met with resistance.  However, my use of the tag question, “Don’t you?” will bypass his or her resistance to this new truth, and his or her unconscious mind will be far more receptive to agreeing with my empowering assertion. In light of all that I’ve shared with you about “Linguistics,” I would offer to you that NLP is clearly a powerful way of using the language of the mind to consistently achieve specific and desired outcomes.

When Master NLP practitioners use the word, “programming, ” they’re referring to a person’s unconscious belief systems, their memories, emotions, neuro-associations (the feelings we associate with certain people, places, and things), value systems, “parts” to their personality, communication styles and patterns, habits, strategies, behaviors, and the countless other ways we’ve been conditioned to perceive, experience, and show up in our lives and in the world.

As a Master NLP Practitioner, I believe that NLP is so powerful because its techniques allow us to access and get in rapport with our unconscious minds. This is so significant because it is believed that only 8% of our moment to moment awareness is conscious, and 92% of our moment to moment awareness is unconscious, or presently inaccessible to us; instead, everything else that we that don’t know that we know is housed in the bejeweled warehouse of our unconscious minds.

Almost magically, NLP patterns, techniques, insights, and experiential exercises help us to reprogram our minds and come up with new programs, strategies, and behaviors  that we can  run in our neurological systems to achieve our specific and desired outcomes. When we assimilate these specific set of unconscious strategies, we create the differences that make the difference in our lives.  When our unconscious beliefs, values, and personal self-concept/sense of ourselves are in alignment with our conscious set of beliefs, values, and self-concept, we feel integrated, whole, complete, and newly empowered!!

Although you may have never heard of the following NLP techniques and patterns, some include the Time Line Technique, Parts Integration, Anchoring, Future Pacing, Visualization, Mental, Emotional and Psychological Rehearsal, the Swish Pattern, Mapping Across, The Modeling Process, The Inner Sage Pattern, The Charles Dickens Pattern, the Walt Disney Pattern, Voice Dialogue Technique, Rapport Building, working with Primary Representational Systems, Developing Sensory Acuity, The Falling Out Of Love Pattern, The Enough is Enough Pattern, The Movie Rewind Pattern, etc.  As a Master NLP Practitioner, I have found that NLP tools and skills work powerfully in the development of states of individual excellence and enhancing human performance. In addition, they establish a system of empowering beliefs and presuppositions that reveal what human beings are, what communication is, and what the process of change is all about.

NLP is therefore a multi-dimensional process that involves the development of behavioral competence and flexibility, but also involves strategic thinking and an understanding of the mental and cognitive processes behind behavior.  At another level, NLP is about self-discovery, exploring identity, and mission. It helps us access the treasure trove of wisdom and resources that are housed in our unconscious minds and brings our wisdom and resources to the surface of conscious awareness so that we can access our full human potential.   In addition, it also provides a framework for understanding and relating to the ‘spiritual’ part of human experience that reaches beyond us as individuals to our family, community and global systems. NLP is not only about competence and excellence; it is about wisdom and vision.

According to Master NLP Practitioner Robert Diltz, NLP is essentially founded on two fundamental presuppositions:

1. The Map is Not the Territory.  As human beings, we can never know reality. We can only know our perceptions of reality. We experience and respond to the world around us primarily through our sensory representational systems. It is our ‘neuro-linguistic’ maps of reality that determine how we behave and that give those behaviors meaning, not reality itself. It is generally not reality that limits us or empowers us, but rather our map of reality.

2. Life and ‘Mind’ are Systemic Processes. The processes that take place within a human being and between human beings and their environment are systemic. Our bodies, our societies, and our universe form ecology of complex systems and sub-systems all of which interact with and mutually influence each other. It is not possible to completely isolate any part of the system from the rest of the system. Such systems are based on certain ‘self-organizing’ principles and naturally seek optimal states of balance or homeostasis.

All of the models and techniques of NLP are based on the combination of these two principles. In the belief system of NLP, it is not possible for human beings to know objective reality. Wisdom, ethics, and ecology do not derive from having the one ‘right’ or ‘correct’ map of the world, because human beings are not capable of making one. Rather, the goal is to create the richest map possible that respects the systemic nature and ecology of ourselves and the world we live in.

As a Master NLP Practitioner, I believe that the people who are most effective in life are the ones who are most flexible and have a map of the world that allows them to perceive the greatest number of available choices and perspectives. They use NLP patterns and techniques to enrich the choices that they have and perceive as available in the world around them. They recognize that excellence comes from having many choices, and they believe that wisdom comes from having multiple perspectives.

Through the years, NLP has continued to develop some very powerful tools and skills for communication and change in a wide range of professional areas including: Psychotherapy, Marriage and Family Therapy, Counseling, Life Coaching, Education, Health, Business, Creativity, Law, Management, Sales, Leadership and Parenting.  NLP is now in its third decade as a field of study and has evolved considerably since its beginnings in the mid 1970s. Over the years, NLP has literally spread around the world and has touched the lives of millions of people. Since the 1990’s, a new generation of NLP has been developing.

If you’d like me to teach you leading-edge NLP techniques and patterns to help you get into rapport with your unconscious mind, accelerate your personal growth process, and unleash far more of your full potential as a man, woman, and/or athlete than you have ever imagined before, please reach out to me and let me know!! Like so many of my other clients, I trust that you will find that NLP tools and techniques will serve as a powerful catalyst in your pursuit of personal growth and transformation.

Thank you very much for taking your time to read my article/blog on NLP (Neuro-Lingusitic Programming).  I hope that you that you’ve found it informative, thought-provoking, and enlightening!!

image from purenlp.com

image from purenlp.com

Sincerely,

John Boesky, LMFT/MNLP/CHT

(Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist/ Master Neuro-Linguistic Programmer/Certified Hypnotherapist)

 

Checklist for Hidden Anger

Image taken from rottentomatoes.com

Image taken from rottentomatoes.com

As a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I’ve often met with clients of mine who seem determined to put on a happy facade and deny their own anger.  Unfortunately, when they bury or hide their own anger from themselves, it can come out sideways or morph into anxiety and depression.  Instead of burying or denying your anger, it’s far healthier to acknowledge it’s presence and find safe ways to discharge it.  In addition, it’s far healthier to see anger as a metaphorical alarm clock that is signalling to you that beneath your anger you may be feeling wounded, hurt, powerless, ashamed, afraid, etc.

As a Marriage and Family Therapist, I’ve learned through years of experience to hone in on the many signs of hidden, unexpressed, systemic anger.  These signs include the following:  obsessive preoccupation with the completion of imposed tasks, habitual lateness, a liking of sadistic or ironic humor, aloofness, impatience, closed off body language, unconsciously turning their hands into fists, contemptuous glares, sarcasm, cynicism, and flippancy in conversation.  In addition to these hidden signs of unacknowledged, unexpressed anger, people who carry with them the heavy, toxic burden of anger are prone to sighing a lot, yawning, getting drowsy at inappropriate times, slowing down their movements, speaking in a monotone voice, getting tired more easily than usual, withdrawing, isolating, and sleeping more than usual, maybe up to 12-14 hours a day, and being prone to boredom and apathy.

Other signs of hidden anger include over politeness, constant cheerfulness, smiling while hurting, and an attitude of grin-and-bear-it.  In addition, people who tend to deny or hide their anger rationalize or minimize their emotions, become excessively irritable and agitated over trifles, hold onto grudges, struggle mightily to forgive others, make cutting passive-aggressive comments, see things in black and white, and carry around a chip on their shoulder accompanied by a sense of injustice and self-righteousness.  On another note, they are also prone to having disturbing or violent dreams, clenching their jaws or grinding their teeth while awake or sleeping, and have facial tics or spasmodic foot movements that they’re entirely unaware of.

As a Marriage and Family Therapist, I’ve also learned over the years that people who hide their anger from themselves often experience health problems, such as a chronically stiff or sore neck, aching shoulder muscles, stomach ulcers, high blood pressure, etc.  Their bodies become physical manifestations of the anger they keep locked inside of them.  People who hide their anger may even experience chronic depression and extended periods of feeling down for no apparent reason.

Finally, another sign that people are hiding their anger is the many ways they act out in self-destructive ways: Some people turn to drugs or alcohol to numb their anger; Others have marital affairs; Finally others refuse to get help of any kind to angrily protesting to those that love them that they are no longer accessible to them and that they would prefer to be alone and disconnected rather than connected and within reach.

In my professional experience, hidden anger that’s been cast in the shadows must come to the light to be addressed.  It’s an emotion that can be worked through, often relatively quickly and effortlessly.  If you or someone you know is hiding your anger to yourself or showing signs of hidden anger that you weren’t aware of until now, rest assured that I have the expertise and resources to help you feel more serene and more at ease.  You’re welcome to call me or e-mail me anytime to arrange a time to visit with me in person so we can work together in helping you feel much better.

Thank you for taking the time to read this article.  I hope that you found it useful and informative!!

Sincerely,

John Boesky, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

 

 

TO FORGIVE IS DIVINE

image taken from iffla.org

image taken from iffla.org

As a Marriage and a Family Therapist, I often encourage the individuals, couples, families, and groups that I work with to practice the art of forgiveness.  My intention is to make this practice a daily one for them. Oftentimes, my clients balk at the notion of forgiving themselves or anyone else for that matter.  They fear that I am asking them to justify or condone harmful actions, or they worry that I’m encouraging them to seek out or speak to those who have caused them harm.  Other clients fear that I am asking them to be fake or artificial, extending an olive branch of forgiveness to the undeserving.  They refuse to be inauthentic, and so I often notice their bodies’ contract and experience them becoming resistant to the whole idea right from the very start.

I explain to them, though, that I’m not encouraging them to seek forgiveness from others, for themselves, or for others for any of the reasons mentioned above.  First of all, forgiveness does not in any way justify or condone harmful actions.  Second, forgiveness does not mean you have to seek out or speak to those who caused you harm.  In fact, you may choose never to see them again.  Third, forgiveness must happen organically; it must be authentically and deeply felt.  Otherwise, it’s merely pain, resentment, grief, or rage disguised as forgiveness, and the person pretending to forgive is much like a wolf in sheep’s clothing.

Seeking forgiveness from others, for ourselves, and for others who have wounded us is so powerful because it’s a way of softening the edges or removing the calluses around our hearts.  When we lack forgiveness, our hearts become closed and dark, and we build a fortress around us to protect it.  Although we feel safe inside these walls, we become cold inside.  Forgiveness, like a magic potion, melts these walls away, and gives us access to who we truly are once again.  It helps us to let go of the pain, the resentment, and the outrage that we have carried as a burden for so long.  In time, we have renewed access to our passions, our child-like essence, our humanity, and to all of the lovable qualities inside of us that make us who we are.

So, when it comes down to it, seeking forgiveness from others, for ourselves, or for others who have harmed us is really intended first and foremost to serve our own healing and set us free mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually first and foremost.  And the way to begin this process is to first recognize that, as human beings, we are all fallible. We are all vulnerable to making mistakes, and we all fall prey to unconscious shadows that compel us to act out in ways that don’t reflect our highest selves.  If we had the knowledge and resources to make the very best choices in any given moment and time that would be in alignment with our highest values and would serve ourselves, others, and the world in the best way possible, we obviously would. Unfortunately, we didn’t, and so we sadly resorted to making the poor choices that we did with what whatever level of consciousness was currently available to us.

In light of this reality, we’ve all likely hurt or harmed others, betrayed or abandoned them, and caused them suffering, knowingly or unknowingly, out of our pain, fear, anger, and confusion at some point in our lives.  We didn’t do so because we were sadistic or inherently bad people.  We did so because we didn’t know how to manage our emotions more maturely. We simply lacked the tools, life skills, and practice to show up in our lives and in our relationships differently.  Knowing this essential truth, it becomes easier to soften the harsh voice of our inner judge and begin the tender process of forgiving ourselves for the many ways that we’ve harmed others.

In addition to hurting others, we’ve all betrayed, harmed, and abandoned ourselves through thought, word, and deed at some point in our lives.  We hurt ourselves not out because we were pathologically masochistic, but because we lacked the necessary self-awareness, self-knowledge, and resources at that time to do things in ways that would have served ourselves and others in more positive ways.  Again, chances are that we hurt ourselves through action or inaction out of our own fear, pain, and confusion. Knowing this, it becomes easier yet again to reflect love inwards and forgive ourselves for the many ways we’ve sabotaged ourselves in our lives.

Finally, it’s important to consider that there’s a high probability that those who have wounded, hurt, abused, and abandoned us in thought, word, or deed have done so out of their own fear, pain, confusion, and anger. Now this insight doesn’t mean that their behavior was therefore justifiable. On the contrary, their behavior was still never the less repugnant and wrong.  However, if you take a moment and imagine walking in their shoes from the time they were little boys and girls, chances are that the heartbreak and anguish that you’ll sense they’ve long endured will help you to feel some empathy or compassion for the long, torturous roads they’ve travelled mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually.

It is often within the sacred garden of your burgeoning empathy and compassion that the seeds of forgiveness come budding to the surface of your heart for the person who once perpetrated against you. As Longfellow once said, “If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each person’s life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility.” My hope is that if you can summon the will to do this, you can experience the peaceful release in your mind, body, heart and soul that takes place when you’ve mastered the art of forgiveness.

Thank you for taking the time to read this blog post.  I hope that you enjoyed it!!

John Boesky, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

MAKE USE OF TRANSITION RITUALS IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS, SPORTS ENDEAVORS, AND IN LIFE!!

Image taken from Williamhenry.net

Image taken from Williamhenry.net

As a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I work with individuals, couples, families, and high school, collegiate, and professional athletes.  I’ve often noticed in my practice that my clients don’t incorporate Transition Rituals into their daily lives;  In turn, their relationships and sports performances suffer.  I don’t begrudge my clients for not doing so, however.  I believe that they don’t make use of Transition Rituals because they don’t know what they are.  In light of this, I’d like to  take a moment to share with you what Transition Rituals are in the first place.

Transition rituals are periods of time that are carved out by someone for the  purpose of changing their psychological, emotional, physical, and spiritual state.  In addition, transition rituals are intended  to help people access different parts of their personality.  They’re most effective when they’re done with with intention, purpose, and mindfulness.  When we engage in a transition ritual while feeling distracted and not fully present, they fail to assist us in any meaningful way. Take, for example, the morning Transition Ritual of getting out of bed, showering, brushing your teeth, and putting on your dress clothes. If these acts are done mindlessly and/or unconsciously,  they will fail to assist us in preparing ourselves mentally, emotionally, and spiritually for the day ahead.

Mild mannered Clark Kent, on the other hand, created a Transition Ritual that worked wonders for him, and he did so with conscious intention and purpose. In times of crisis, he would  ritually duck into a telephone booth or stock room to make his transformation into Superman.  As the Superman franchise evolved over the years, his new Transition Ritual involved quickly entering into a revolving door, spinning through it at incredible speeds while changing his clothes, and emerging moments later as Superman, donning a red cape while having access to superhuman strength and superhero powers so that he could go about saving the world one crisis at a time.

We can all use Transition Rituals in our daily lives to change our state and/or to access different parts of our personality.  Take, for example, the lives of a police officer, a family therapist, and a professional Mixed Martial Artist:

If an authoritarian police officer does not engage in a Transition Ritual before he comes home to greet his wife and children, for example, he’s likely to bring the same stoic, law-abiding, inflexible mentality home with him, which would in turn cause his wife and children to want to withdraw from him;  If a Marriage and Family Therapist doesn’t engage in a Transition Ritual after a long day of working with clients, he or she may be prone to offering unsolicited advice to family and friends at home and elsewhere;  If a professional Mixed Martial Artist doesn’t  engage in a transition Ritual before leaving the gym, he may bring his warrior energy and gladiatorial spirit to the outside world and energetically intimidate people and push them away.

Alas, if only the aforementioned professionals incorporated transition rituals into their lives!!  They would be able to then to switch gears, change states, and welcome in parts of their personalities that would enable them to show up in their relationships, sports, and lives in ways that would better support their deepest needs and wants.  The beautiful thing about Transition rituals is that they are often easy, effortless, and enjoyable.  Transition rituals include carving out time before or after work to do yoga, take the dog for a walk, read the Bible, go for a run, and engage in diaphragmatic breathing exercises; People can also choose instead to listen to calming or energizing music, listen to hypnosis CD’s, engage in progressive muscle relaxation exercises, take a soothing walk on the beach, meditate, engage in mindfulness exercises, and/or engage in visualization exercises; Sometimes  transition rituals include taking a warm, bubble bath, getting a massage, or calling a really good friend on your way home from work for some laughs.

I always encourage my clients to come up with and routinely engage in transition rituals that they resonate with the most.  In addition, I remind them to engage in their transition ritual with intention and purpose.  As for me, I currently engage in many transition rituals that help me a lot both personally and professionally.  In my co-ed Personal Growth Group, for example, I use a Tibetan singing bowl at the beginning and end of each group therapy session to create a calming sound that is intended to signal to the group members that they have now entered into a sacred space, or sanctuary, within my office that is separate and apart from the noisy outside world they’ve just left behind.  In my Men’s group, I burn sage 10 minutes prior to the beginning of each group session, and I ask them to participate in a smudging ritual that is intended to cleanse them of any thoughts or feelings that would otherwise make it difficult for them to be fully present during our time together;  Because our minds use and respond to symbolism, the men in our group  find this transition ritual to be very effective in helping them to be fully present and in touch with their hearts.

If you find yourself living unconsciously from moment to moment and day to day, then I’d like to strongly encourage you to partake in a transition ritual(s) that will help you to switch gears, access different states, and summon the parts of your personality that will serve you best in the countless realms of your life;  Do so with intention and a clear sense of purpose, and do so routinely so that you can show up consistently in your relationships, sports, and life in ways that will serve your highest good and help you achieve your desired outcomes. As a Marriage and Family Therapist and Sports Performance Consultant, I would also like you to kindly note that I would be very happy to sit down with you in person to co-create a transition ritual(s) that you can incorporate into your daily life for the purpose of dramatically improving it!!

Thank you for taking the time to read this blog!!  I sincerely hope that you found it be interesting and informative.

John Boesky, LMFT/Sports Performance Consultant

 

 

 

 

COMMUNICATION IS KEY

Image from nitezola.wordpress.com

Image from nitezola.wordpress.com

 

As a Marriage and Family Therapist, communication is key to building rapport with clients.  Communication is the key that unlocks the doors behind which people often hide.  Communication is the key that opens their hearts.  There are many facets and dimensions to effective communication.  In this blog post, I will share with you one facet to effective communication that will hopefully be enlightening and thought-provoking for you:  Communication has little to do with the words that we say.  That’s right.  According to tons of data and research, the words we use make up only 7% of our communication.  Another 38% of our communication consists of our tone.  Last but certainly not least, the remaining 55% of our communication stems from our body language, or physiology.

As a Marriage and Family Therapist, I can teach you the kinds of words to use when speaking with your business partner, friend, lover, etc.  Although words only make up 7% of communication, do no let this statistic mislead you.  Words carry a lot of weight, and they can make or break a conversation.  In addition to words we use, Family Therapists also know that the tone a person uses in his communication with others is instrumental in bringing either harmony or discord between two people.  If a person’s tone is abrasive or indifferent, for example, the communication between two people can go South very fast.  Finally, a family therapist like myself knows that our body language communicates an incredible amount of valuable information to whomever we’re speaking to.  Heck, police interrogators watch a person’s body language far more closely than a suspect’s words.  This is precisely because they know that a person’s body language reveals so much about a person’s true feelings, intentions, motives, etc.

If you’re struggling to communicate effectively to the significant people in your lives, I want to invite you to visit with me or any highly capable Marriage and Family Therapist or NLP Practitioner.  Communication is, after all, an art form, and to become a talented artist takes mentoring, time, and practice.  In the meantime, remember that to be a better communicator, you must be mindful of your words, your tone, and your body language.

John Boesky

LMFT/MNLP/CHT

Please read more articles on the Self-help Articles page.

 

THE EMDR PROCESS HELPS YOU TO REALIZE YOUR FULL POTENTIAL!!

Image taken from ridgewoodcenterwellness.com

Image taken from ridgewoodcenterwellness.com

EMDR

Thoughts to Consider in Therapy and in EMDR

EMDR is about allowing, accepting, and holding space for things as they are right now. It is not about fixing things. Fixing confounds the healing process. To the extent that you judge something as bad, wrong, or needs to be fixed, you are stuck with it. You are attached to it.
If you want movement to take place inside of you, you will need to be able to hold still. The body is always present in the moment, and it has a lot of truth and wisdom to deliver if we can just hold still, notice it, and allow for its self-revelation.
If you want emotional well being and to be free of trauma, you must engage in a free, full, and appropriate expression of your emotions. When you deny, disown, repress, or resist your emotions and pieces of your true self, and relegate them to the basement of your psyche, you will yield symptoms of anxiety and depression, and you may suffer from chemical imbalances and/or suffer from any variety of psychosomatic illnesses.

EMDR

EMDR is a therapeutic technique that acts as a catalyst for healing traumas, shifting perspectives around traumatic life events, and changing the subsequent self-defeating beliefs we’ve unconsciously internalized about ourselves, our relationships, and our world.

The technique is Neuro-Physiologically based, and it encourages people to enter into a mind/body free association. In other words, they are encouraged to notice and be mindful of the feelings, sensations, and movement of energy that is taking place in their bodies, as well as bear witness to the thoughts and images that come to their mind, without judging them, trying to fix them, or make them go away.

During this mind/body free association, clients receive alternating bilateral stimulation to the hemispheres of the brain. Clinical trials and subsequent results have shown that the alternating bilateral stimulation achieves 3 therapeutic objectives:

1) Alternating bilateral stimulation seems to lift the veil that keeps the conscious and unconscious parts of our minds separate from each other. This process enables our conscious mind to receive and benefit from the wisdom housed in our unconscious.

When we’ve experienced a traumatic event in our lives, (particularly when we are children) we come to believe things about ourselves, relationships in general, and the world around us. These beliefs often dip beyond our conscious awareness, and settle into the basement of our unconscious. They are often self-limiting and maladaptive in nature, and compel us to seek out experiences that serve to validate and reinforce how right they are.

Because EMDR seems to lift the veil that separates our unconscious from our conscious awareness, we can receive some of the wisdom that is housed in our unconscious, and in turn we can challenge old beliefs that we’ve held onto as a result of a traumatic event and replace them with adaptive, positive ones.

2) Alternating bilateral stimulation seems to greatly improve the communication between the rational parts of our brain (the Neo-Cortex), and the emotional parts of our brain (the Limbic System). New neural networks that facilitate communication between these two parts of the brain get formed, and as a result new information, awareness, and wisdom travel back and forth to each other. This new information, awareness, and wisdom can serve to dim the memory, affect, and emotional charge associated with old traumatic events that remain housed in our limbic system.

3) Alternating bilateral stimulation facilitates the movement of energy throughout our bodies. Our bodies house the memories, feelings, and sensations associated with old traumatic events that we’ve lived through. When we pay close attention to the movement of energy in our bodies, it begins to shift, and the feelings and sensations associated with it lose their emotional charge.

In conclusion, it is worth noting that EMDR is a therapeutic technique that often accomplishes the following tasks:

Accesses new information that helps us to change our perspectives and beliefs that have arisen from traumatic life events.
Lowers the emotional charge that is stored in our bodies from those traumatic life events.
Achieves a connecting up of memory networks: (There are memories that are thematically similar, and they belong to the same “Memory Tree.”) The earlier the memory, the closer to the trunk of the tree we are. When we work through the memories closest to the trunk of the tree, the feelings of resolution, peace, and tranquility spread to all of its thematically-related branches.
Achieves a de-coupling of false associations.

Psychological Concepts Relevant to EMDR

1) Pie Chart of the Mind:

Imagine that your mind is shaped like a pie, and the pie is sliced up into 3 pieces. The first slice of the pie represents the conscious part of our mind, and it houses the part of our awareness that knows what we know about ourselves, the world, etc. (For example, I know that I am a Marriage and Family therapist, and that I presently work in Kensington, which is a town in San Diego.)

The second slice of the pie represents the other half of our conscious mind, and it houses the part of our awareness that knows what we don’t know (DK). (For example, I know that I don’t know how to play the harmonica, or the flute for that matter).

It is worth noting that we have access to a fair amount of awareness in these two places in our conscious mind. As a result, we rely on these two places to help us problem-solve and make any number of choices in our daily lives.

The third slice of the pie, however, represents the part of our mind that doesn’t know what it doesn’t know (DKDK.) It is the part of our mind that is entirely beyond our awareness. It sits in the basement of our psyche, and it’s often referred to as our unconscious.

In is here in the unconscious that we’ve relegated pieces of ourselves that we’ve come to believe are bad. Moreover, it is here that we may have buried the memories surrounding traumatic events in our lives, and the subsequent beliefs we’ve created about ourselves, relationships, and the world around us. It is also here, though, that we house wisdom, new information, brilliant ideas, and resources that we can access for the purposes of healing and growing.

When we become aware of the unconscious, self-limiting beliefs that compel us to act-out and/or act-in in ways that don’t serve us, we can then strive to turn those beliefs entirely around. In turn, we can then make conscious choices to behave in ways that are in alignment with our new belief system.

*Note: These maladaptive, self-limiting beliefs generally relate to the following 3 themes: Safety, Lovability, and Worth.

Pie-chart of the mind as it pertains to EMDR:

During the EMDR process, the alternating bilateral stimulation to the hemispheres of the brain seems to lift the veil that separates our unconscious from the conscious part of our mind. In turn, our conscious mind is given access to the pearls of wisdom shimmering beyond our reach in the dark depths of our unconscious. We can now pool this wisdom from these depths and use it to help us move through the feelings and sensations that we currently experience as a result of a past traumatic life event. We can also use this wisdom to help us change for good the unconscious, self-limiting beliefs we have about ourselves, our relationships, and the world around us.

2) Emotion

Emotion is the movement of energy through our bodies that the mind notices, interprets, names, and tells a story about. When triggered emotionally, the hypothalamus in the brain pumps molecules down into the body and in turn the body gets excited, pissed off, stirred up, etc. The body reacts, and we then experience all kinds of physical sensations.

The physical sensations are the first things the conscious mind becomes aware of. The conscious mind then interprets these sensations and this movement of energy as being emotions, and it proceeds to give them a name. The 4 most common names given to emotions fall under the following 4 categories: Mad, Sad, Glad, and Fear.

Emotion as it pertains to EMDR

A) As I mentioned earlier, EMDR is essentially a mind/body free association. It can be helpful to know that the sensations we feel in our bodies signal that energy is moving. The bilateral stimulation that accompanies the EMDR process tends to facilitate this movement of energy. More energy moving throughout our bodies gives us more opportunities to track it, and this type of mindfulness causes it to lose its charge. As a result, the unpleasant physical sensations that are stored in our Limbic System after a traumatic event get flushed out of our bodies for good.

*Note: It is helpful to not judge these feelings and sensations, but rather to allow for them to come and go, ebb and flow, wax and wane, rise and fall, just as they wish.

3) How the Brain Stores Trauma

The human brain has many parts to it. Two separate parts of the human brain that are worth knowing about for the purposes of understanding how EMDR works is the Neo-Cortex and the Limbic system.

The Neo-Cortex is the most recently evolved part of the human brain. It is the rational part of the human brain that enables us to problem solve, think logically, etc.

The Limbic System is a far more primitive part of our brain. It happens to be well connected (unlike the Neo-Cortex or “rational brain”) to what we are sensing, feeling, and experiencing in our bodies. It is so primitive, in fact, that it has little sense for the passage of time.

In the Limbic system, the Amygdale stores snapshots and/or slow-motion videotapes of unique and novel life experiences. These experiences can be pleasant, but more often than not they tend to capture moments in time that are acute and/or traumatizing.

Whereas the Amygdale files away the snapshots and/or slow-motion videotapes, the Hippocampus (along with other parts of the Limbic System) stores the emotional charge and/or energy that coincided with the original trauma. When a sensory cue triggers in us the memory of a traumatic event, we are confronted again with the Amygdale’s snapshot/slow motion video that has captured that unsettling moment in time.

When this happens, the Hippocampus discharges the unpleasant feelings and sensations associated with that event. Because our Limbic System is unaware of the passage of time, we feel as though that experience is happening to us all over again in the here and now.

This re-experiencing of old traumas takes place a lot, for example, with soldiers who return from war. They get triggered time and again by sounds and other sensory cues that leave them feeling as though they’re still in grave danger on some battlefield thousands of miles away. Images, flashbacks, and disturbing memories along with unpleasant feelings and sensations overcome them.

While these soldiers may understand rationally that they are no longer in the midst of battle, their Limbic System lacks the presence of mind to assimilate this Neo-Cortical information.

How the Brain stores Trauma as it pertains to EMDR

It has become evident after many case studies that the alternating bilateral stimulation that takes place during the EMDR process helps to create new ways for the thinking, “rational brain” (Neo-Cortex), to talk to the “emotional brain”(Limbic System). This more highly evolved part of the brain brings a new wisdom, maturity, and enlightened perspective around the traumatic event, and because it is communicating far better with its primitive counterpart, the wisdom it offers has a calming effect on it and on our bodies as well. In turn, the emotional charge associated with the original trauma fades.

4) Resources (A Safe Place where you can go to, and protective and/or nurturing figures you can turn to)

A “Safe Place” is a sanctuary in your mind’s eye where you can go when you are feeling overwhelmed with emotion, troubled by unpleasant sensations in your body, and/or burdened by intrusive thoughts and unsettling images entering your mind. The safe place where you take yourself to can be somewhere that you’ve already been to in your life, or it can be a place where you’ve always wanted to visit. It can even be a place that you’ve seen in a movie, a magazine, a children’s book, a cartoon, etc.

It can be particularly helpful for you to envision yourself feeling safe, calm, protected, nurtured, and/or empowered there. It may also be helpful for you to imagine nurturing and/or protective figures (known as “resources”) in your life joining you in that safe place, for the purposes of offering you comfort, support, counsel, and love.

These nurturing and/or protective resources can be a favorite pet animal of yours, God, Jesus, the Universe, Mom, Dad, a shaman, a favorite teacher you once had, an action hero, friends, family, wild animals, a mythological figure, a Walt Disney character, etc. It can also be very helpful for you to turn to your “Adult Self” and use him or her as a resource.

It is very likely that when you were traumatized as a child, you felt powerless over your circumstances, exceedingly vulnerable, and helpless to do anything about it. Your “Adult Self”, however, has a lot more life experience under his belt, and he is able to look back at traumatic events in your childhood with more objectivity, wisdom, and insight than the child in you can. With this in mind, it can be very helpful for your Inner Child to call upon your “Adult Self” when he or she is feeling scared, helpless, frozen, and/or out of control. Have him or her seek out your Adult Self’s love, compassion, forgiveness, and wisdom.

Safe Place as it pertains to EMDR

During EMDR you may experience unpleasant body sensations and feelings, and/or you may feel burdened by troubling thoughts or images that come to your mind. If the level of disturbance that you feel is greater than a 7 on a scale of 1-10, it may be helpful for you to stop the EMDR process and take yourself to your safe place. When you are there, take deep breaths, take in the soothing sounds and beautiful scenery that surrounds you there, and turn to your nurturing and protective resources for warmth, love, guidance, wisdom, and comfort.

Resources (protective and nurturing figures) as they pertain to EMDR

As I said before, it can be very helpful for you to turn to your nurturing and protective resources when you could use some comfort, guidance, and support while spending time in your “Safe Place.” Also, it can be very helpful to rely on your resources for strength and courage when you are revisiting an old trauma, and you have chosen to address the very people that victimized you back then.

For example, if you’ve gone back in time and see yourself being mistreated by your abusive Mother, you can call upon one of your resources to stand by your side. You can even ask that nurturing and/or protective figure to hold your hand or hug you, or you can have them confront your abusive Mother on your behalf. Having done this, you may come away from the scene that you’ve re-created believing differently about yourself, your relationships, and the world.

Rather than believe, for instance, that you’re unable to protect yourself in your relationships and that your’e unsafe in the world, you may come to believe instead, “I can protect myself” and/or “I am safe and sound.”

*It is important to note that when we revisit old traumatic memories with fresh eyes, an adult’s wisdom, and protective and nurturing figures at our beck and call, we can change our perspective on what took once place. With the help of bilateral stimulation, and the wisdom and resources shared between the conscious mind and the emotional mind (Limbic system), the emotional charge dissipates.

Image taken from thestonescollasaldream.blogspot.com

Image taken from thestonescollasaldream.blogspot.com

EMDR PROCESS

1) Keep your eyes open or closed.

2) Float back in time to where and when the original trauma took place in your life. (This is known as the Target Memory). Imagine the most disturbing part of that moment in time. (This is known as the Original Picture). Allow yourself to feel the feelings and body sensations as if that moment in time is happening to you right now. Please be sure to report back to me what you are hearing, seeing, feeling, tasting, and smelling in the present tense.

3) Enter into a mind/body free association. Do not try to make anything happen or try to control anything. Just go with it.

4) If you want to stop the bilateral stimulation before I stop it, please let me know. If I stop the bilateral stimulation too soon, and you would like it to continue, kindly ask me to turn the bilateral stimulation back on.

5) I will periodically ask you how disturbing or distressing the old memory is to you in the present moment, out of 10, 1 being the least disturbing, and 10 being the most disturbing. Ideally, after going through the old memory a few times, you will say that you are at a Zero, and that there is no emotional charge left.

6) When you are at a Zero, I will ask you what you believe now about yourself, relationships, and/or the world around you. We’ll be looking for a change that comes from you. Then we’ll go back to the original picture and target memory one last time, with your new belief in tow.

7) If you are stuck, looping, and/or nothing is happening while you’re revisiting the original picture and target memory, we’ll get active. I may ask you to call upon your resources, or I may ask you a few questions that may help free you from your “stuck” place. If you’d like to, feel free to change the scene in ways that help you to feel more empowered. For example, turn your tyrannical father into a midget, and then imagine yourself as a giant having your way with him. Better yet, have Superman appear out of nowhere and watch him whisk your father away to another world.

It is important for you to remember during the EMDR process that you are the producer, the director, the script writer, the set designer, and the casting agent. You can manipulate that old scene in any way that you see fit. In addition, you can call upon any and all resources that you think will help you to face old fears and work through old traumas.
During EMDR, you may find that new resources that you hadn’t thought of before spontaneously appear. This is because you have greater access to the creativity and resourcefulness in your unconscious. This spontaneous, natural, effortless rising up of resources, wisdom, and healing from the unconscious is one of the things that EMDR facilitates.

8 ) If you’re feeling overwhelmed, kindly let me know, and then go to your safe place. I will be more than happy to help guide you there.

9) Sometimes the original picture and target memory will lead you down other paths, or memory networks. You and I will decide together if it’s worthwhile to explore these new territories. We want to be careful not to move in too many different directions at once, thereby opening up a Pandora’s Box. If we do decide to explore other memory networks, we must always come back to our original picture and complete our work there, in order to get the resolution we’re looking for.

10) Sometimes after an EMDR session, cognitive processing may continue and additional insight and awareness may rise up. They may be revealed in your dreams, for example. It is important to be gentle with yourself, and treat yourself with extra good care.

If you are feeling overwhelmed for any reason, consider going to your Safe Place. If you are still feeling upset, feel free to call me and we can spend a few minutes on the phone together.